Crumbled Pieces

Practically, everything seems crumbled in pieces at this very moment in my life. I don't seem to be reaching the necessary grades I aimed for when I first arrived here. By this time of the year, I should have managed to secure a job or at least an attachment somewhere. By this time of my course, I should have acquired the necessary knowledge or experience to be able to live independently and carefree with the citizens of the country. By now, I should be able to have the legal skills at my fingertips, and absolutely passionate about the very purpose of me being here and striving every possibility of reaching out of the box.

However, on the contrary, my grades never fell far from where it was before I arrived here. I have applied at numerous places, trying my very best to secure, if not a job, at least an internship at any nearby firms. Nothing seems to be available anywhere. As days pass by, I see myself deteriorating emotionally and intellectually. My usual routine of daily run, daily reading and daily blogging, has conversed to something so paltry. Numerous hours of sleeping, back to back movies online, day dreaming, scrolling on Facebook to feed my envy on others' achievement or success and making random calls to friends rattling about how fucked up life is, consumes every possible free time. Everything I envisaged, planned for and hoped to happen is now falling apart. It has fallen apart so much, its too late for me to be able to pick the pieces up and build it back again.

Maybe if I paid more attention to details, I would have uploaded the coursework properly?

Maybe if I kept my priorities right, I would have excelled in the earlier assignment which was a lot manageable than the second killer option?

Maybe if I stayed on track and focused on me, I would not have absorbed anothers' hobby and schedule and make it part of my life?

Maybe if I stuck with the original plan, it would have pushed me harder and I would have been able to save up more money to pay my loans back?

Maybe if I was more serious, I would have sent the Bar Application a lot earlier and received an offer 2 months later, without this unnecessary work up?

Maybe if I was more committed, I would have sent my references months ahead before the deadline and the administration process would have benefited me?

And, maybe if I just thought with my head and not my feelings, I would have avoided the greatest sin of mankind, LOVE, which has lead me now to much heartache and distress?

Hayley Williams' Airplane hopeless words are flooding my 48" by 75", 4 walled room. I wished I was granted a wish now. I would turn back time and answer all those questions, which would leave me in a better position now. Nothing seems to be in my hands, I can't seem to control anything now. I feel so useless, sometimes unbelievably daft. So much so, I wished I was not born in the family I'm in right now. Their affection, attention, care and undying love is of much deservance for someone more worthy than myself. Time's ticking by, dark clouds pass by and white clouds overtake, night turns to day, sunray breaks through the darkness after a heavy pour, crowd walks by in a jiffy and it suddenly becomes dead silent. Yet, I still remain: aimless, undecided what is waiting for me or if I should run for it, and most of all - fearful. Absolutely, dreadful.

"We fear violence less than our feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict" Jim Morrison

Is this love?

The sound of the lighter flicking filled the cold air of the bathroom on the first 2013 Friday night. As I sat there, enlarging my rectum, allowing all the digested leftovers from the previous nights and days' to be flushed out into the latrine, I inhaled Golden Virginia, embracing its tobacco euphoria. It was confusing to me, thinking about everything that we did and said to each other. There is an obvious strong attraction and connection. I confidently could say, an implied relationship. Something more than just friendship or a fellow colleague. Something more than a just sex partner or a boyfriend. Something much more than all these. What I felt, or am still feeling is definitely real. What I've learnt from all these years is that, no matter what happens, a persons' intuition is never wrong. Be it that he or she may be wrong in what they said or did, but at that moment of a particular incident, whatever that you felt, was never a lie.

What I'm about to explain may seem very cliche' to some of you. It may seem like a puppy-crush to others or something a lonely college student is trying to fill up her time with. Either way, I don't give two pennies. When a person really cares for you, it doesn't take too much for the person to show to be able to notice the amount of care given. The fact that he remembers what we discussed a week ago, or the fact that I confessed to him all the outrageous rendezvous, yet an ounce of respect is not lessened, or the fact that we have multiple disagreements, get into numerous arguments and finally agree to disagree, he never gets tired of disagreeing only to start the whole cycle of altercation, again. He sometimes could even act pathetically ridiculous in front of everyone, just to impress me, by creating a dramatic scene only to prove a point that he was right all the while.

When I was down with fever, I was praying and hoping someone was with me to take care when I'm at my weakest. And, he comes along, insists me to leave my 4 walled room, takes me on a ride to get some Chinese vegetable soup for my sore throat and stays with me that night. On those clubbing nights, he would childishly swing  his drunken state on the dance floor to literally steal me away from any guy that attempts to dance with me and then, later apologizes for acting so. Or, when he looks into my eyes, bearing in mind without prior heavy beer drinking ( so, he is totally sober and conscious ), and tells me he loves me, those are the moments where you want to capture in a bottle and close it with a lid so tight, it never seeps out.

I can never know if he is truly feeling the words and actions he expresses to me. Or, if his actions are so general, its applicable to everyone. If it really is, he must be an almost perfect living being. If not, the question remains then, if he feels for me at the same depth I feel for him.

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul” - Judy Garland

Sweet Lil' Lies

Tell me lies, my ears would want to hear,
Tell me you missed the bus,
When you were ashamed to acknowledge me in front of your busty mates.

Tell me lies,
Tell me you want me to join you for your beloved party,
When deep down you're hoping I will turn you down.

Tell me lies,
Tell me that my cooking seems great,
When you shut the door at the very scent of it.

Tell me lies,
Tell me that you are the centre of all infomation and guide,
When you are simply not bothered of anothers' despair.

Tell me lies,
Tell me that you have an outgoing team of people ready to accept a newcomer,
Whom I feel invisible to be around with.

Tell me lies,
Tell me that you invite all colour and races with open arms,
When you are the perfect example of a double faced racist ever created.

Tell me lies,
Tell me that my writing skills are brilliant,
When disbelief runs through your mind on how an Asian can ever oversmart a British grammatically.

Tell me lies,
Tell me you miss me and you want to meet me for the weekend,
When you just want to satisfy your carnal desires.

Tell me lies,
Tell me that you buy me things because you care for me,
When it is an implied act for sex in return.

Tell me lies,
Tell me that you are every womans' man,
When you don't give two pennies the moment I speak.

Tell me lies,
Tell me that you are the most honest person I've ever met,
When the only sane detail I know about you is your name.

Tell me lies,
Tell me that I am the only one you love,
When the truth is that I am merely a substitute when everything else fails.

Tell me, my love,
Tell me sweet little lies,
That my ears long to hear,
When my heart knows the truth.

CTOM Lust

"I need you boo, I gota see you boo, in the hearts all over the world tonight..."

Those specific words sunk in my hearing as I was entering the figures for Benefit Details into PA Web. PA Web is a database entry system where we, the Business Process Associates aka BPAs, key in specific details, such as the insured names and locations details, of a given insurance policy to be saved into our company's online database. And by far, in our team - Australian Team, the newly formed Corporate A&H Group is the only place where PA Web is being fully utilised. Mostly because of the complexity the area has to offer, compared to other groups of Direct Marketing and Submission.

"Hey lil mama, uh you're a stunner, hot lil figure, yes you're a winner and I'm so glad to be yours..." Ah, yes. As the song kept ringing in my ear, memories dating a month back, rushed into my mind, filling every possible empty area. As the images flooded my thoughts, I cringed at the fact that I can't reverse time and make do whatever that happened that night. Mostly because, part of me just adored the idea of going back and not changing a second to revisit whatever that took place, while another part of me, wishes to have not even agreed to meet him at the first place.

I can vividly recall every single touch, every silent moan, every taste, each scent, and the heat we exchanged as we drew each other as a single entity, in lust. From the moment we got into the car, it didn't take long for us to drop whatever we owned at hand, and pull each other so close till our lips locked. We kissed passionately, as he bit my chin and my upper lip consecutively, and moved on to kissing my neck and locking his arms around my hips. I lied my head on his heavily cologned neck, giving him continuous love bites.

"God, you smell so good", I murmured between heavy breaths.

"Oh Jane, I'm addicted to you", he said as he drew me closer, continually kissing me on my shoulders and embracing my left breast.

As his hand was reaching into my black, open shoulder MYR 40 worth Nichii top, the thought that he was my colleague and the fact that I'm actually going to bump into him in the office and work together at the same damn company for the next 4 months at least, struck me so hard that Jane's defence (yet again!) came into exercise. I grabbed hold of his right arm, while placing my other hand on his chest, I pushed him gently away from me. Just then, his right arm reached for my thigh, making his way to the inner part. My body heated up even more, yet I didn't want it to go any further than that, so I pushed his hand away from me, again.

"Why are you pushing me away, Jane? Huh, why are you pushing me away from you?" Having no response to his enquiry, I looked down into the darkness, as everything can be pretty much gloomy without any lights turned on at 8pm. He embraced my chin and pulled my face towards him, questioning me,

"Don't you like me, Jane?" and he kept staring at me lovingly and before I knew it, our lips locked again. We ended up hugging each other the next 20 seconds or so, before I prompted him to get moving back to our parking area.

You see, knowing my dad would most probably do a sport-check on me, I parked my car at the company parking lot and came to the cafe, well its more of a shisha / beer cafe, together with him in his car. On our way back to the office, I couldn't get my hands off him. I had an unbelievably strong urge to touch every single part of him. Well, that could have most probably been a consequential act from drinking 6 cans of Carlsberg in a row.

His car jerked at the sudden pressure on his oil, at a gostan. I shouted at him to drive properly or else we both would get ourselves killed.

"Can you shut up? Just shut up, okay. I know what I'm doing"

And at that very moment, I found an uncanny comfort in being submissive to him, till today, I don't know why. Could it be the fact that he was my only transport back to my car? Or, was I longing for a man to be submissive with all this while?

When we stopped at the traffic light, I pulled his face towards mine and would steal those few minutes to smooch him till the lights turned green. As he kept changing the gear, I kept pulling his left arm, placing it on my inner thighs, forcing his fingers to fill deep into my pores. He drove like a mad cow, no doubt in that - with emergency breaks and tailgating every car that comes in front of him. It was either the alcohol kicking in or the lust taking control of him. Or it could have been both.

Upon reaching TPM's parking lot, he stopped right next to my car, pulled up his handbrake, and like how the silk-cotton entwined trees among ruins in Angkor Wat, our bodies curled up into each other, lips were locked, and my hands ran through every inch of his body. Drawing him closer to me, I felt myself falling for him, too deep for him to handle. I knew that I was reaching a point of confusing myself from lust to love. I was well aware that any further persuasion is a definite trip down the road of regrets.

"Siva, we shouldn't be doing this. We are definitely going to regret this tomorrow"
He objected almost right away, "No, I will not. Why would you? I am not going to regret this", and he continued his lustful moves on me. We continuously made loving moves against each other, when I received Miss Call No 19 from "Father". I gasped at the time displayed in his car: 8.32PM. I was supposed to be home my 7PM.

"What's wrong?" he enquired after noticing the nervous look spread across my face.
"Uhh...I think I should get going. My parents will be looking for me".
He drew me closer and planted a kiss on  my forehead, allowing me to be excused.

I got out, half conscious, half drowzy, direct effect of the balance alcohol still left in my bloodstream. I found some balance holding the side of the car door and dragged myself towards my car, heavily lied my body on the driver's side. He got out of his car, walked hastily towards me. As he got closer, he embraced my hips. His grip got stronger and deeper into my abdomen, resting his against mine, gazing deep into my eyes.
Just then, the US team arrived for work and were walking past us.

"Siva, there are a lot of people around. They are giving us the stare..."
"I don't care! Let them see, let them know. I'm still kissing you", and he draws me to his lips and I've fallen for his spell again. My body couldn't hold up herself strong enough as I fell into his arms, surrendering myself to him, I kissed his forehead, his cheeks, rubbing his bald head, and telling him how much I loved him.

As if two lovers were resting on the tree by the beach side, he horizontally positions his back on my chest, rubbing his backside on my thighs. My arms tightly locked around his hard chest and with no intentions of letting him go, I lowered my face to his. We rubbed our faces lovingly together, like two kittens playfully rubbing on each others'. I gave him a gentle peck on his right cheek before letting him free off my grip.

Miss Call No 21 from "Father". Just then I remembered that I left my bag in his car. I scurried back to his car, frantically searching for my bag, to find him lying face down at the back seat, with his left hand hanging freely just above the bag, which was on the ground.

"I found it, you drunkard!" I chuckled and shut the door. As I was walking past the back of his car, I noticed his initials at the back: C-VA, and I commented something about him being so self absorbed to be able to do that. Bizarrely, we started a catch and chase game.Yes, we were still in the parking lot. At one point, I stopped and rested my arms at the back of his car, deliberately displaying my rear end for contact. And that, successfully caught his gallantic attention. He was humming a song, as he hopped his way towards me, casually giving me a good spank.

We had a good laugh, and he walked me into my car. We kissed again, and my hands ran through his chest, and reached for his penis. Proudly, he spread his legs for me to touch as much as I wanted, or as I possibly can. Surprisingly, I couldn't feel anything. Compared when I was with P, his was up and ready for an all night ride. But, with Siva, it was as if he has had a vasectomy. All I could feel was his tight shorts, his hard thighs, and nothing more. I couldn't even feel any remote existence of twin balls.

No matter how much my curiosity wanted to push it further, it was way past my outing time and I had to leave for home. We parted with a kiss goodbye and I dashed at 120KM/hour, as my phone rang off the hook.

"They are in the very wrath of love, and they will together; clubs cannot part them" - Shakespeare

Desire

ITS  funny sometimes how life can be a total bitch at your face, or how sometimes it can actually unfold the answers right before your very eyes. Either way, you are on your way to learn a very good lesson about life. It's like how the artist, Ed Sheeran describes us living our every day under this upper hand. Its as if that very hand is waiting at the side of our beds every morning when we wake up, deciding whether we are heading straight for the washroom to clean up all of the nights' toil or dragging our feet towards the breakfast table. Its as if that same hand is waiting outside our front doors to actually tell us whether we are taking the bus to college or are we going to be late for that important meeting at work. Its as if that very hand waits for us at the parking lot after a long days' labor, deciding if the next stop is the nearest bar or if we are supposed to call it a night.

ITS  scary, to sit and think of the twist and turns of events that unravel at sight. It would have seemed so foolish and inept at that very moment, but somehow makes perfect sense when the dust settles and chatterings subside. Just the other day, I recalled an event that took place about a year ago. It was when my mom and sister were on their way home from Ukraine where they were supposed to take the 7.30pm flight. They were too caught up with the packing and the goodbyes, and missed the flight. Naturally, tantrums were thrown with a mix of Indian handsignals flying out in thin air with fingers pointed to push the blame on the other, not forgetting inflamed faces with striking words, you know, just to keep the ball rolling. As soon as they were done lashing at each other, it finally came to their senses to check on the earliest time for the next flight back to Malaysia. And what do you know, it was only a couple of hours later. The climax of all this mess was when the news aired that the plane they were supposed to be in, had major technical problems which led to a disastorous crash that night.

JUST  like a game of puzzles. The newly bought box looking perfectly wrapped, great as a hand gift. And on the outside its stated that it comes with instructions to help you through the fix, and not suited for children below the age of 3. Little did you know that once you open it, the bits and pieces are practically every where and almost every one of them look alike! You convince yourself you can still solve it using the included instructions and the fact that you can definitely beat a 3 year old kid. Apply that in our daily lives. We see a situation that hits us like a box of puzzles. Well let's be honest with ourselves, we will first, panic like a chicken with its head cut off, and only later when we have pulled ourselves together, will we see the situation that hit us like a box of puzzles.

EVERYTHING  would seem distorted and somehow confusing. You will need some time to gain composure and actually stategise your actions before beginning to do anything. And as you get involved, you get in the game of solving it. As you move along, you start to realise that you seem to be getting yourself into a deeper state of confusion. The more you try fixing the problem and putting the pieces where they should be, doubts arise as to whether you are fixing it the right way. Here is the difference between a game of puzzles and a real life situation - instructions included. Now, you find yourself struggling to find an answer. Its bad enough that you are already in a sticky situation, but to work your way without any guide, that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

WHAT  is really beautiful of this whole predicament is that, the end result will always be what you want it to be. Just like when you have put all the pieces together, its no more a puzzle! It turns out to be a perfect picture, a depict of what you chose in the first place, when you were at the store buying the right box that resonated well with your conciousness. If you chose an image of a woman breastfeeding her child, that is the image you are going to see when you have solved the puzzle. If you chose an image of 2 beasts fighting over a carrion of an animal, that is what you're going to get.

SIMILARLY,  if you want a particular situation to end up with a fight, because that is the only way to solve a problem, in your books, then a fight will have to break out to stop the problem from persisting. If you feel that you are supposed to be in a position to walk away and allow everyone around you to throw taunts and jeers, because that is the way you feel will solve the problem, hence when you do exactly that, the problem will be solved. But, if you truly have faith in standing up for what you believe in, which by making sense of the whole situation and reasoning out without any major conflict, is the only way to solve the problem, then without any doubt the solution is to have a decent and mature conversation getting around the issue.

IT  may seem like perjury to be regurgitating the Law of Attraction from the best seller book, The Secret, but you will be a fool to have not realised it has happened and still is happening, even while you are reading this. And it will continue to manifest as long as our mind is able to create an image in our likeness and our body can feel what pleasures us the most. What's the logic out of this is that, what we think once, that made us feel good or strong in either a good or bad way, will eventually lead us to continue thinking or having that very same image, to acquire that same feeling again. We eventually get addicted to that feeling, so we have a continuous repeatition of that thinking, to feed that addiction of ours. This will eventually lead us to acting it out to finally witness that very feeling in reality. And when that happens, it makes the addiction a concrete history of our thoughts, and that my friend, is how far ones' mind can take you.

IF  you have something lingering in your mind, something that your heart has been desiring for a long time, keep having that thought. You never know, it might just be lurking in a corner, nearer to you than you envisage.

"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.” - Robert Collier