Finding the Balance

I yearned for a sip of Carlsberg to quench my prolonged alcoholic thirst; the nicotine addict inside bellowed for a drag of tobacco and a Linkin Park concert took place inside my head with one of their best : Crawling. It was just then Mr Hyde started to speak,

'Why are you even bothered doing all these..? You don't need to adhere to their orders, you can just leave, return home and do what everybody else does. You are not even happy being here! You are not different; you are not unique; you force yourself to think that you are but you are not! Go home, you will NEVER make it here'

Negativity overwhelmed my conscience and drained my energy resulting in dragging my feet every inch I walked. An enormous list of numbers to call and arrange appointments was to be completed by the end of the day; I've yet started grinding my teeth on.

"KDD, no matter what you say or she does will not work with her energy like this! Jane, I've been patient with you and been putting effort to understand what's wrong but you've pushed too far!"

The walls constructed around me started to crack piece by piece. I shook my head conveying that nothing's wrong which I obviously failed in miserably.

"Grow up, Jane! You need to tell us what's wrong. If you're not helping yourself, at least help us. We can't do this without you being present with the right energy. We have never had this opportunity and let's make the best of it for us all!"

I was blatantly told that my existence was a deemed necessity toward another person's success. Never have I felt as pertinent as I did in that few seconds when those words were uttered. It was at that moment when the Great Wall of Jane built around me crashed down and the cork was pulled off the Ganges River of tears, flowing freely on my cheeks.

To have an idol who is at a success stage I'd imagine to reach at 30 told me that she needs me in her team! It was as if my job application for the CEO position in Google was accepted at first interview. When someone from that caliber tells you that you are needed for her team and without you the show will not run, suddenly everything great you thought of yourself which was told otherwise becomes alive.

It was just then I realized that everyone has their affirmative and negative personalities. Neither disappears, it's just which one is dominating. If no effort is put on managing them, the negative side dominates automatically. Hence, the question is how tight is Mr Hyde leashed? It was an acceptance ordeal I was forcibly put in to wake me up and remind me to tighten it before it takes complete control.

In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity - Erik Erikson

The Dawn of Detachment

“Dear ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at Kuala Lumpur International Airport. Please ensure to take all of your belongings with you. On behalf of our crew, thank you for choosing Turkish Airlines as your Airline and we hope you had a splendid journey.”

Upon hearing the final announcement, my heart sank into my stomach, which squeezed its way down my leg and popped right out of the hole in my show. It struck the damn carpeted floor and crushed into pieces. My legs suddenly became light, wanting to run towards the cockpit and to request a detour of the flight because I had arrived at the wrong destination.

I could vividly remember the excitement in Prisha’s voice upon knowing that I’m returning home- which is Malaysia, for good.

“We are going to plan trips! We shall have weekend getaways to waterfall picnics! It’s going to be so much fun! All my days of loneliness are over now that you’re back, Janie!”

Prisha was my trump card to a smoother and fun filled return to a place which is supposed to be my “home” but somehow felt strangely foreign. Reluctantly, I dragged my feet out of the 18 metre high Business Class Airbus. (Since it’s my last flight for a long time, why not treat myself to Business Class, eh?). Thoughts were running through my mind, like a hypo-mania episode - thoughts of moving on from the past and picking the scraps of present to build the future.

I eventually found my way to the Immigration Checkpoint. There were 2 lines: one for locals and the other foreigners. I was still contemplating on which side I should go to, until I saw the direction for the Red Passport. I lead my way towards the counter, handed my Passport over for examination and walked through the Checkpoint in a breeze.

The moment I opened my mouth to greet the Immigration Officer; I immediately knew I landed in Malaysia. The lack of English language command with a cold shoulder and unfriendly service  one may receive at KLIA would give an undoubted impression of a bloody halfwit son of gun, whose job’s to stamp some unknown papers and wait till it turns 5.30pm to rush back home where he continues being a bloody halfwit son of gun.

I looked outside the 22 feet paned windows, up towards the sky and asked God (if any),

Seriously?? Is this what you made me come back to?

Disheartened, I trailed my roller bag behind me and continued walking towards the airport main entrance. Throughout the journey, I refused to look up or at anyone. I did not like the faces I saw and I did not like the place I was at. It was not welcoming like how it used to be; it was not as friendly as where I came from; and I feel that I don’t belong.

There's nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. Nelson Mandela.

The Guilt Conscience

The smell of dry wood absorbs through my nostrils, awakening my sleepy senses. The expected sound of alarm which would usually follow through is not part of today's routine. My heavy eyelids reluctantly forces itself to open, embracing the ray of sunlight shining through the curtain drawn windows. I stretch my arms away from each other, flexing my muscles as I press on my knuckles, loosening its joints. I grabbled at the windowsill, looking for that 4.87 inch electronic gadget; my confidant and convoy in challenging situations.

This iPhone requires you to key in the Password to unlock
"0000". So much for a password.

No Miss Calls. Well, that ain't no surprise now, is it?
WhatsApp: *no messages*
Viber: *no messages*
Skype: *no messages* / *no miss calls*
I wonder; if I went missing last night, would anyone have noticed?

Tossing it at the side of the bed, I scrambled to my feet, dragging myself out of the red silky soft bed linen which was wrapped around my body the past night. I headed straight for the bathroom with my towel thrown around my neck and came to realize that I was clothed only in my tank top and bikini underwear.

I suppose that's the pros for waking up early. Everyone else is still asleep!

Upon locking the bathroom door, I stripped naked and threw myself into an hour long hot shower. There is nothing in the world that cannot be fixed with a hot shower gushing on your head, flowing down your shoulders, the heat massaging the pelvis and finally moisturising the feet. Especially, after a long well deserved 9 hour sleep, it would seem as if paradise found its way back to Earth and it's here in the very comfort of your home. It was just then I remembered my prearranged meeting with Rizwans' house mate - Uddin.

My heart skipped a beat thinking about it. Not only have I been sloughing through the past 5 weeks with my nose buried in my books, but this week in particular has been the toughest ever. The 3 centralised papers which I re-sat for was far beyond manageable. I knew for a fact that was not my best performance, despite much consolences from fellow mates. When I walked out of that exam hall, I knew I was not going to be a certified Barrister, at least not for the year 2014. My heart dreaded thinking about it and my shoulders felt heavy at once. I wanted to speak to someone about how I felt and just fret about it without any questions about my future and without any condolences. I wanted to speak to a friend. Uddin was at the right place and the right time - or so I thought.

I was the only one, in my circle of friends, whom had papers to repeat. After the main examination, almost everyone headed home; back to their respective countries. Hence, after my resit examinations, I had no one to "celebrate" with. My only resort was Kartheek and since he seemed to be occupied with his mates in London, I resorted to the next best available: Uddin.

I dressed up in a jiffy and dropped him a message confirming the time to meet up. I headed downstairs to a cup of coffee. The one and only way to kick start my day: a cup of hot strong coffee accompanied with a stick of Marlboro Light cigarette. I raced back up with the cup in one hand and a bottle of water in the other, hoping to have had a reply by now.

WhatsApp: *no messages*

Apparently, the message that I sent has not been read either. I decided to give him a call if I do not receive a reply once I'm done with my morning prayer. Just as I was about to tap my cigarette off, the phone rings.

"Hello?"
"Mmmm....morning!", Uddin exclaims between yawns.
"Hey, morning. What time do you want me to come over?"
"Anytime. Are you ready?"
"Yes!", I quickly jumped, feeling like a foolish schoolgirl having a crush on a senior.
"Haha...then come over! I'm sorry I can't pick you up because my car's under repair".
"No...no...that's fine, really. Hey, I need to speak to you about something important. Something I've been wanting to talk to someone about. It may be a little depressing, though. Are you fine with that?"
"Don't worry, that's fine. Just come over. Give the door a knock when you're here. I'll come down".

Excitement overcame my senses. I finally have someone to spend time with, someone to talk to, someone to smoke weed with. This is going to be a start of something new and fun. I finally found a friend.

I got off the bus at the stop opposite Lick n' Chicken. It is literally a 3 minute walk from there to his house. Upon reaching, I could see that he was anxiously waiting at the door for me. The sight of me instantaneously carved a wide, bright ear-to-ear smile on his face. I responded with a huge wave of my arms, slapping myself for an immature childish reaction. He chuckled as I strode past him into house. We headed straight for his room and I could see that he had already made the atmosphere ready for a smoking up session. The speakers were plugged to the laptop, songs were carefully selected in his playlist, roll ups, filters and a grinder spread across the bed. The bed stand had some bananas, a juice box, an unopened packet of muffins and a half-completed meal plate on it. The sound of the door creaking disrupted my investigative mind.

"Look what I've got!"

He had 3 bags of weed. 2 for me to take home and one for us to smoke now. I cheekily smiled and clapped, giving a sheepish "Yay!". I wish I would not do that. I wasted no time and started grinding away one bag as he prepared its roach. I then took the nearest hard paper and tossed the ground leaves with tobacco - mixing them proportionately so that the smoking period of a joint lasts longer. As I was almost satisfied with my work of art, I stripped a filter paper off its holder and distributed the mixture reciprocally on it and delicately handed it to the expert to have his final touch. He gingerly placed the roach at one end, stuck the first side down and immediately started rolling it into a joint. The last lick on the sticky side locked the magic in and voila!: A Knee Trembler.

The sudden random surge of excitement which I have been encountering the past week is inevitable. I can safely come to the conclusion that it could possibly be the ripple effect of those nerve wrecking papers I sat for few days back which crushed my childhood dreams. Seeing how Uddin managed the roll a joint so smoothly and effortlessly was as good as having the Master of Green Perfection himself in front of my very eyes - and that got me excited. A smiled carved across my skin peeling cheeks as I instantly snatched the joint, desperately craving to feed the tobacco/weed hunger that had been kept on hold for the past 2 months or so. I rummaged through his drawers, fishing for any lighters that I could find when I felt a soft pat on my shoulders signalling me to turn around.

"Is this what you're searching for?"

Uddin had a sort of sixth sense when it came to me. In one way or another, he would always know what I was thinking at a particular time or what I was feeling when I reacted in a certain way and had an idea of my needs and will provide me just that. It seemed like if I had brain tumour and I could not think for the rest of my life, I am reassured that Uddin would be the perfect candidate to run my life on behalf of me. The decisions for my life which he would make will be reflecting mine.

A few minutes into our solemn ritual, we were head banging to the hand picked selected songs. They were good choices - a mix of ballad, rock pop and contemporary. Every now and then, our views crossed and we would unknowingly immaturely blush.

"So, what is it that you wanted to talk to me about, Jane?" his question broke the awkward silence we were having. Well, at least someone had the guts to kick off the conversation!
"Oh yes, I almost forgot..Well, it's like this. I did really bad in these papers I sat for and from the looks of it, I'm really uncertain of my Barrister dream any more"

At this point, he moved his position from the computer chair and rested himself on the bed, next to me.

"Hey, listen now. Don't worry. You gave it your best and I prayed for your success. Believe me, Jane when I say this: I've not prayed for anyone, not even myself, this hard in my entire life. So, I know Allah will help you because I've asked him to". He looked right into my eyes as he uttered those words, ensuring that I understand how serious he was in matters concerning me.

I gave a corporate smile and replied him, "Okay, Uddin. Thank you for praying for me and yes I did my best. I'm just worried that's all, you know".

He nodded his head in the attempt of securing my feelings and showing that he completely comprehends my situation, but continues gazing into my eyes, now deeper than earlier. His upper body moved closer to mine and his head stretched out as his lips raced for mine, and they met.

Do you remember your first experience of consuming cotton candy? The softness of that fluffy untainted pink cotton simply melts in your mouth, giving you a rush of sweetness and excitement ultimately ends up with you begging for more - that's exactly how I felt when I kissed him.

I couldn't - No, I didn't want it to stop. I wanted to savour that sweetness and the excitement to continue intriguing my senses until reality kicked in and Kartheek's image appeared in my mind. I pushed him away at once and turned away from him and he did the same, distraughtly shaking his head. I stood up and rested my back against the wall trying to make sense what just took place. He understood that I was not too keen to be there any more and got off the bed and headed for the door,

"Shall we?"

I was caught off guard and acted solely based on my instincts? Lust? Loneliness? Affection? Attention? Whatever it was that I acted on that day does not change what happened next. I wrapped my fingers around his left wrist and pulled his body towards mine. My hands grasped his hips to rest on mine against the wall, as I cupped his face and locked his lips with mine. His hands held my body close to his, in disbelief of my actions yet in love with it. It was addictive - his kiss , his lips, his tongue, his softness, his warmth, that untainted taste, that sweetness melting so effortlessly and unexpectedly - all of it was unbelievably addictive! I was addicted to him and I didn't want it to stop, but the scariest part was: it felt so wrong but so right.

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." William Shakespeare

Hope

"Hi babyyyy…!!"


He came running into the room with the widest, brightest smile one could ask for on a Monday night. With that warm glow, his happiness heated the cold room instantly and his dazzling eyes shining brighter than the tree-topper on Christmas morning, he scampered towards me with arms wide open, as if welcoming me to his humble abode for the very first time. Within a split second, I felt myself covered entirely with this strange fostered sensation which I somewhat cannot decipher, despite encountering on a daily basis for the past 2 years.


"I'm sorry, honey"

"What for, dear?" I asked curiously.

"For leaving you here all alone while I'm out there partying and having fun"

"Oh, you are just doing what you're supposed to do. Besides, I have work to complete after this movie ends", I assured him.

"But, still…"

"Shh…Don't worry about me. I'm happy where I am. Go, entertain your guests, have fun, and when you're done, come back and we'll sleep"

"Alright, baby. Thank you so much"


He scampered back out the room, presumably towards the living room where his friends were. A party was taking place in congregation with the soon departure of one of his housemates back to his home country, India. Though, it is quite common for women and men to have a couple of drinks and get drunk together on a night such as this, however for Asians, if I may narrow my scope towards Indians, it may seem quite awkward, especially when there is A woman and MANY men in a limited enclosed area and THAT woman is taken.


Don't be mistaken. I am not told to lock myself in the room and ignore everything that is taking place outside. On the contrary, I am encouraged to join, have drinks and spend time with the male crowd. However, I have stayed too long amongst Indians to know what is "accepted" and what is "not accepted" as part of the culture. It is said that it is not "appropriate" for a woman to be in the presence of men whom are consuming alcoholic drinks. Why? I suppose they arrived at the conclusion that men have a high possibility of violent sexual thoughts once consumed a certain amount of alcohol. And if women were present in their company during these occurences, they just might utter something uncomfortable or discriminative. I know, I know, "gender equality" and "mutual respect" are part of the issues arising in your head as you read this. It's a shame that culture and law never integrated. Probably, it's for the best. If you find yourself to still have question marks in your head, blame the Indian culture as this post is not intended to start a debate.


Continuing from where we left, this man has immense feelings for me. Feelings which I never dreamt I would feel. Feelings which I was never showered with my whole life. Feelings which I never encountered from any other being for the past 25 years living on Earth. Could this be the "long lasting enduring love" which every artist never fails to sing about in at least one song from each album produced? I wonder how can a man…If I may rephrase my question: WHY would a man love a woman endlessly without holding any grudges or unknown regrets? It would make sense to do so if she was "every mans' dream girl", if that even exist. Even if she wasn't, it would still make sense if she was responsible for everything existing in his life at the moment; from the basic needs of doing laundry to cooking or taking care of the kids to pertinent matters of life making decisions i.e. buying a car or getting involved in that specific life-time investment for future security of the children. It would make so much more sense if she was that much involved in his life, that without her, he would be an absolute wreck.


But, what if she just could not give 2 pennies about his future plans? She couldn't care less about what he wants to do and how much he intends to earn on an annual basis by the time he reaches 30 years of age, as long as he is financially stable and listens to what she says, its a green light! What if the sole focus in her mind was her career and independence i.e. financially and emotionally? And without this she does not see any further purpose of living anymore? How can a man…If I may rephrase that question again: WHY would a man love a woman so endlessly when all her intentions are focused solely on herself and her well being, whilst his needs are pure considerations? As long as he is available, in mind, soul and financially when she thinks she could be ready to start something different in her life, then and only then, would she place trivial regard to his actual existence, let alone his influence, in her life.


Not enough with the selfish side of her, especially when this woman whom is so damaged inside, not allowing to let go of the past incidences and guilt, she could just possibly be physiologically slightly insane. To make matters worst, she allowed that dark side overtake the only remaining sane part left in her, which is him, expose herself to another man in a way a woman in a 2 year relationship which she fought for, should never have. Reaching a conclusion that finally, there is nothing to hold on to in her life, consumes 20 sleeping pills with a cup of hot chocolate, in an attempt to end her senseless life. Little did she know, with her body mass, she would need at least 40 to numb her nerves. Having admitted to the sin she committed and being pardoned of it, she continues to place one foot in the grave - feeling contented being close to death. Yet, he continues to forgive her whole heartedly, trust that passion which they once had, still burns zealously and continues to believe she will become the Jane whom he fell in love with, 2 years ago - his Jane.


By now, you would have an image of a woman whom is absolutely confident on what she wants and who she wants to become yet she does not know who she currently is and where her priorities are supposed to be. So, please help me understand, why would anyone push any further involvement in such a cluttered and confused being? Is this what love is supposed to be? To persist ones' feelings towards another being so much so as to overwhelm them, with the hope of them being the person whom you think they should be, or the person whom you think they were happy being of? Is HOPE what love is?


I took a very long time to write this out. I found excuses to avoid typing this out, so much that a kindergarten child could not have come up with. But, nothing 7 pints of Tuborg and a box of Marlboro Lights can't do. Despite much substance abuse, it managed to bring me to tears at one point. The point where I came terms with what I really felt about this relationship. The point where I realised that I perceive his needs as mere "considerations". I cannot, until now, feel what I felt 2 years ago when I first met him. I do not know when I will, or if I will, feel the same or feel lesser or more. I cannot seek spiritual help, not just yet. The guilt is killing me, still. The only help I can seek now, apart from him, is counselling. I suppose the only thing I can hold on to see the greener pastures in the near future is, hope.


" We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope". Martin Luther King, Jr.

I Had A Dream

"Listen, just sit here and she will come"
"Okay, you sure about this? Cause' I really am not"
"Don't worry, there she is. She's coming. She will get into you and then you just shout rape"

I noticed a young girl dressed in a colorful outfit. It seemed as if she just left the park situated in front of us and walked under the bridge toward us. When in fact, she actually appeared from thin air. I didn't look straight at her because I was afraid of the unknown. I just felt her presence walking beside me, ending up sitting right behind me. All of a sudden, I felt this wild breeze brush my hair and a weird trance I was put in. At that moment, I knew she was inside me - I was possessed by her.

Despite all the horror movies and stories that we have watched or heard during childhood, I did not turn into a monstrous looking creature and I could still have control over my thoughts and actions. It was as if she was inside me, but I still had control over myself - she was a mere spectator to the drama that was about to take place.

There was an act between Kartheek and me - a pre-enacted rape scene. He pulled me (or should I say us?) toward him and tried to undo my buttons, as I cried for help. Along came a group of feminists, consisting of many men and women, gathered around me. I noticed one particular man in the group whom had a french beard with tanned colored skin and a huge belly. He was the poster boy of a villain character in every Indian movie.

I continued crying for help. It was quite bizarre to notice their gigantic hands and long finger nails, hold on to me, dragging me away from the scene. I could not understand what they were saying but it felt as if they were comforting me and guiding my path towards my purpose for that day.

Everything seemed quite blur for the remaining journey till I reached a war torn building, desolated for years, from the looks of it. Upon reaching it, I somehow knew what I was supposed to do. I had decided to speak, courageously, to a few men regarding a very sensitive issue which I somehow cannot seem to recall now, for the love of God.

At the start of the conversation, things were going fine. Then, hell broke loose. Upon the conclusion of the discussion, I was about to leave. By then, I somehow owned a bike to cycle with back home. However, the "guides" that took me to this desecrated place, decided to leave me idle and find my own way home. I shrieked, since I did not have a clue on how I reached this place, let alone the way back home. I chased after them, pleading to direct me home instead of leaving me alone with these men. I heard them speak certain words in Tamil (an Indian dialect) which meant that I was cheated and now I have just dug my own grave.

I continued running towards their direction, pleading louder and harder the further I ran. Despite my efforts, they slowly disappeared into thin air. At that moment, I knew I was alone - all alone with a group of men whom I have just expressed my dissatisfaction over a very sensitive issue that I am not aware of, in an abandoned building. Though, I knew that she was still inside me, it was not helpful since I seem to be running the show instead of her.

Failed in keeping my guides with me, I turned around. There were 2 men standing outside the building with more lurking from inside. Their crooked smile and bad intended looks thrown at me, urged my senses to leave that place at that very instance. I clumsily grabbed hold of my bike and headed to the road ahead. Just then, I realized that there were similar roads diverted to my  left and right. I needed directions badly and my only choices were those men.

I asked one standing nearest to me and he offered to send me home, in a while. I declined and replied that I will find my way home myself. By then, he was persisting and again, everything went blur in my sight and the next thing I know, is that I am inside the ancient building, at the highest floor, in a room with a group of men. I had already concluded a discussion by then and decided to leave. Upon leaving, they circulated me, blocking my exit. I eventually squeezed my way out the door and reached outside.

I bumped into the man whom I met from the feminists group. With other 3 fellow men, he was sitting on the concrete wall that separated us from falling 20 feet below. My heart skipped a beat and I poured out all my fear to him, expressing the need for protection. He listened quietly as he gazed upon me, his eyes screening me from top to bottom. I recognized that look from the previous men whom I saw downstairs. He then smiled to himself as he continued looking at me, and he directed towards his friends, reiterating what was said earlier.

"That's it, she's cheated. Another victim. Hahahaha"

I was back stabbed. I don't know why but I knew I had to leave the place immediately before my cervix is rummaged by 20 or so, strangely looking men, thirsting for lust. I chucked a bag which I was hanging on to, and ran towards the nearest staircase. Upon reaching it, a strong young man had beaten me at this race. I fell into his arms and struggled to get out. I put up a good fight, kicking and pushing him away, and once released, I remembered that she was still here - inside me.

She could help me! After all, I am here because of her.

Hence, knowing that she will after all be there as my last resort, I made a rash decision. The easiest and quickest way out of this mess was to jump off the building. And so, I ran towards the wall, grabbed hold of the sides and elevated myself up!

My eyes pushed wide open and I hear the white noise of the fan spinning away, cooling the room with its air. I searched frantically for a person - on my IPhone and laptop.

"Dipan!" I shouted, upon realizing that I left the Skype call on with my friend and slept off. The electronic clock showed 08:27. I finally managed to get some sleep after failing for the past 5 hours. Evidently, that 2 hour nap that should have been more than enough, left an utmost disturbing effect.

I told both Dipan and Luna Maya, whom were on the group call at that time. I tried dialing Kartheek, but as expected he was snoring away in his dream land. I managed to get Saree on the phone and told her about my dream. As I was narrating to her, I remembered that I have been having similar disturbing dreams for the past few weeks and have not been able to sleep alone - because I have never felt that I was alone.

Saree had comforting words by reminding me that my actions has led me to these continued nightmares. The series of horror movies just before bedtime, the problems that I have put myself through, also the fever that I have just caught weakens me which eventually affects my sleep. That perspective that she placed for me, made perfect sense. I suppose now I will have to reconnect with my long, lost and almost forgotten spirituality which I held close to my heart, once a upon a time. This recurring nightmares and presence of someone else around me even when I am alone, HAS TO STOP!

"Dreams are illustrations...from the book your soul is writing about you.." Marsha Norman