Conciousness

The coldness of the air from the air conditioner is giving me goose bumps. My watch seems to be falling to the end of my wrist at the push of each strand of hair on my long, dark, freckled hand. The lower bottom of my abdomen is at its most discomfort, I’m assuming it’s the time of the month where every woman has to go through a certain cycle, where the shedding of the uterine lining takes place. In layman’s term, it is a silent confirmation that you’re not pregnant.

I was bugging Broom to pass me any pending work of his since I’m dying out of boredom here. Having done my Training Courses and some other admin work, there really is nothing left to do in the first week I joined this office. Overall, the team I’m working with is fun. Simple people, of course with their share of gossips here and there to spice everyone’s routined life. Something that I can work with for the coming months till I figure out what am I to do with my life. Broom gave a piece of advice to chill as next week is going to be, in his words, “Hell hectic!”

All this minutes of hours I have , got me thinking. Thinking really long, and deep. About decisions I’ve made so far. Decisions of pending my studies and prioritising work and making money. Decisions of joining certain groups of people to embrace their principles, while dismissing the rest. The effort taken to spend few hours literally, convincing someone about why and how life can be a bitch yet its livable. Decisions of investing in certain projects and courses, with the hope of betterment of the future, of mine and others around me. Decisions of ignoring the past and creating a new road, yet trodden to see how far the journey goes. Juggling between the 2 possible ends: whether it ends at a fresh garden, showered brightly with the sunshine of the morning sunrise, or in a ditch, where rats, cockroaches and every unimaginable loathing living thing finds it a home.

Do I have to, or don’t I have to? Will it be a misrepresentation? Could I have been really lied at?

The recent most indecisive matter that has been an intrusion to my mind. In everyone’s life, there is a crossroad which they will eventually encounter. It’s when one would have to choose which path to follow. Why it’s a really major turn in one’s life is because, once a path is chosen, there is no turning back. Even if they would want to return to that same crossroad, halfway in actually getting back there, 90% of them lose their way.

Despite, all these upheavals, we hold on to something very dear to our hearts. Something so familiar, it connects a being to another when arisen. This unexplainable image will sound so brilliant when spoken about, yet we don’t. Mostly because of a presumed “implied understanding” that no one really talks about that something embedded in us, since birth. It’s like the character of Lord Voldemort in the JK Rowling’s Harry Potter series. Everyone’s not inclined to even breathe his name, out of the embedded “presumed agreement” in everyone that it’s something unspeakable of. Reason being, it’s highly ominous or it is at a level of unbelievable superiority. Similarly, we, without realizing, have embraced the fact that this inanimate thing has an either side of its own extremity. Too extreme to be handled by anyone. Hence, this creature which cannot be specifically designated or precisely described has been kept in a box, for too long.

Consciousness. Physiologically, interfacing between layers of the brain is considered crucial to conscious activity. Only when this interaction is impaired, consciousness is considered to be absent. Situations of impairment of course can be induced by substance abuse. There are levels to this consciousness, some have achieved that higher level, some refuse to budge from their low conscious level, while others strive to reach the highest possible level.

Question then arises as to, is there a highest level of consciousness? If yes, is it really necessary to reach that stage?

Heartache

I remember the times we had,
I spent most of those times together with you,
Shed tears, wept my sweat,
Laughed my utmost humour out,
Smiled, smirked, farted,
Those months, those days,
Those special moments,
Passed us by so fast,
Well for me, at least, it did.


I know I may act before thinking,
I know how sensible and mature you are at controlling your emotions,
Yes you have build yourself a sort of defence mechanism that only you hold of the remote control,
But, I,
I am mere human being,
Be it the fact that it takes effort to bring me down,
Be it the fact that how much objections are thrown at me yet I pull through,
Be it the fact that no matter how many times I fall,
I know exactly how to stand up again,
But the journey to actually stand up again honey,
I need you,
A place to pour my sorrows out, I need a mattress I can befall on,
An assurance of a safety net before I decide to make that suicidal jump,
All in all Mahaad, I need you.


Since you have made that gap between you and I the moment you chose to say that I was not equipped with enough maturity,
Since then have I decided to cut of that very safety net,
Burn that very mattress that was my comfort every single night before bed,
To let you go from my heart and soul,
To fire you from being the captain that directs when I'm lost at sea,
You have left me no choice,
Dishearteningly and unwillingly take you from the very thing I turn to when I've left no other way.


I loved you, honey.
I always did.
As a friend, as a lover, as a wife,
Thank you for being there when I needed someone.

Dear God

Dear God,
If you're out there,
I really do hope you're listening.

Why is it that things cannot be simpler?
Why must everything be in such complication?
Why can't it be A or B?
Why can't it be just black or white?

Dear God,

If you're out there,

I really do hope you're listening.

Why are people so difficult to be with?
Why is it that it is not obvious we do not live forever and we just have this one life?
Why can't people just be honest and direct?
Why must there always be a game to play?

Dear God,

If you're out there,

I really do hope you're listening.

Why is it that I am always the one left out?
Why is it alright to take advantage of Jane?

Why is it that I am always the one hurt?

Why is it that I am always the one cheated?

Why is it that I am always just another one on the list?

Why is it that I am always misinterpreted?

Why am I the one hurting my loved ones?

Why, Oh Why, Dear God, why?

Dear God,

If you're out there,

I really do hope you're listening.

It hurts.

It hurts really bad.

It is broken, really bad this time.

I cannot take the pain no more.

It is too much to handle, to hurtful to handle.

I am really heartbroken, Oh God.

Dear God,

If you're out there,

I really do hope you're listening.

It's 2.45 am and I can't sleep.

My eyes hurt really bad, they can't close.

My head is spinning so fast, it hurts.

I might be getting a slight temperature.

Dear God,

If you're out there,

I really do hope you're listening.

I have never asked anything of you.

Not that I remember of in the past 4 years that we have not spoken.

Even if I did, I would have asked on behalf for another's well being.

But, this time, if you really exist, I need your help.

Just for this time, I need.......I need, your spiritual guidance.

Dear God,

If you're out there,

I really do hope you're listening.

I may not know everything, heck I may not need to know everything at this age,

But, sometimes I lose my way, and I need guidance on to the right path,

I need the spirit to guide me, Dear Lord,

I need comfort, I need warmth, I need guidance,

I cannot take another heart break,

I cannot manage another heart break.

Dear God,

If you're out there,

I really do hope you're listening.

When life strikes me,

I tumble, at times, just fall drastically,

Hurting every senses in me,

Breaking every one of my bones,

And it takes sometime for me to stand and climb right back up,

But when I do, and I look down, it actually was not quite far that I fell off.

Dear God,

If you're out there,

I really do hope you're listening.

I feel so much better now,

I feel a burden is lifted off my shoulder,

I feel this hurt in my chest is fading drastically,

I feel so much warmth.

Dear God,

If you're out there,

I really do hope you're listening.

You're a real good listener,

I'm sorry for losing contact with you, but I don't regret it,

It was just an experience I needed to have to appreciate it when it was gone,

I am almost insignificant here on earth,

If not significant, I hope, I really do hope, you at least realise that I exist,

I know I will never reach your good books, I don't expect to come anywhere near,

But, I just hope you do know that I exist and my feelings count,

If not for anyone, at least to you.

Amen.

Knock knock, anyone there?

*type*

www.facebook.com

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luciferassistant@live.com

*homepage*

EA Sports Fifa Superstars Photos
Likes Bluedrive and 3 other pages
Video of Richard Cheese rendition of Beat It

*scroll*

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(ah, chat box)

22 available

*click*

Only then did it hit me. I may have 22, or even 150 friends online, but no one I can really talk to.

The beat of the music in the Phuture room kept banging in my ear. The dense atmosphere was getting at me, suffocating my breath. The temperature was rising, wetting every part of my body. Just then, I saw him just standing there, staring at me. I felt so intrigued to go over and hold him in my arms, smell him, and play with his bald head. I wanted to lose myself with him and just pretend its our last night ever here. Just to dance the art of making love and feel him, feeling me.

Should I? Oh maybe not, I might offend this guy. Yeah, probably I will just stay here. Oh no wait, what the fuck am I thinking? I can do whatever I want, man. You know what? You're doing this, get your ass there and do your thing.

So, I did. I looked into his eyes, and told him that he is mine for now. I went over and held him by his neck, one hand on his left shoulder, and moved my hips to the sound of Rihanna's Only Girl in the World. I pulled his hand to grab hold of my hip, synchronising with me. Embracing his aura, I placed my head on his shoulder, feeling every move of his muscles. Gosh....I was in trance with him. Just the remedy I needed.