"Once you fall down, you stand up and walk again. As here now, you made a mistake, start a new leaf and don't make that mistake again", he reiterated to me again as I sat there, chin thumped heavily on my arms that were entwined with each other lazily on the stone made table provided at this Malay raced shop which provides "halal" food, which means that no pork is served, just around the outskirts of Johor. I had never felt so naked and ashamed in my entire life like how I felt last night, right after sending her off to continue her 100% science based course which lasts only for another 2 years.
"Why did you do it? What was the reason? As far as I know, we weren't bad parents. We were quiet frank and honest with you compared with other parents. We weren't as strict and stern with both of you. What problem so great did you have that led you to do it?", Angel kept poking this injured piece of fresh meat which had bled too much, so much so, there has been blood clots here and there. When all of a sudden, she acknowledges how I could have felt and placed ice on the poked areas, hoping it will cure the wounds by saying, "Actually, I do understand how you feel. Before, I felt the same way you did when I started working. I had no friends, no one to go out and eat with or shop with. So much so, I felt bad going out and so desperately needed a friend. I understand where you come from. I do." Well, how obvious it may seem, the wound-icing didn't work, not even to the slightest bit.
He then interrupted and summed the whole unwanted hype created by his other spouse with whom he hath lived for the past 24 undying lovely years by saying that no matter what has happened, he pledged to keep it behind, as something from the past and made me promise to start a new, clean book by creating the title as Jane Arveena on it and listing down the categories that Jane Arveena should have. I nodded my head childishly, agreeing and accepting to his terms of offer to a brandished new life, not knowing that it is going to affect me in all angles available.
But, one thing's for sure, he proved to me how a great man he was and still is. Not only did I lie to him on both occasions, but I actually had the guts to look at him in the eye and judge every single act, every utter of word and every look that is criticizable, deemed to be taken on by me and scrutinised them to the very extent of actually corrupting the purity of the relationship. Yet, he sits there, quietly and so collective, permissing any illogical opinions of mine and brushes them away, in view that I am just one of those teenagers trying to seek attention.
His focus here is to see me growing up to be the person I was supposed to be : religious, no immoral activities, successful, productive, having my own family and the list goes on. Such of a thought is in his mind is because he has been drafted with this duty called responsibility. The heaviest, most indescribable existence of that very duty where he seeks perfection as the outcome. Thus, protruding a sense of greatness when that is achieved. As quoted by Wiston Churchill : the price of greatness is responsibility.
Psychologically, affecting me in a way where this immense feeling of respect towards him overwhelms me, I can't possibly imagine betraying the promise I had made. Eventhough, I am pretty sure I can't fulfill those requirements of being a perfectionist, as I personally do not believe in perfection, for now, I would try to keep my promise and keep my head as well as my speech low.
"The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection" - George Orwell
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