"He's printing money, what....Eh, no lah....That kelevi (granny, in Tamil) has no money. That's right....hahaha"
Hearing my dad gossiping about this far-relation uncle of mine, made me smile and giggle - something I haven't done in almost 3 days. My mind still can't seem to accept reality. The reality that I am a failure. Yes, I admit. Placing aside my ego, my pride, and my so-called intelligence that I thought would make me different from my fellow mates, I fall to my knees and shall cry my heart out and ask ; Where did I go wrong?
Now, the world seems to turn its back on me. Trapping myself in my room, this 4-wall chamber seems to be closing into me, suffocating me...killing me. Everywhere I turn, eyes dart away from me. I've become this disappointing speciment. Hopes and wishes kept inside this Jar of Success, has now slipped from my fingers and fallen on to this hard surface, shattering into millions of pieces. I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
"I have marked your paper before...probably...did you answer all questions? Did you have enough time? Or maybe, did you panic?"
Yes. Yes and No. I was freaking consulting other students not to panic, for Pete's sake. Ms Anne just tried reassuring me that shit happens for a reason. She starts giving me alternatives of shifting to Scheme B, which will prolong my course for another year or just refering in the November examination. After much words of comfort and wiping off tears welling in my eyes, we left her office and decided to consult a 2nd opinion. I STILL DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
Unexpected and pretty much shocked was Anu's reaction. Eventually, my cousin who has been in this same field, opened my mind to the very purpose of these examinations. Only then did it come to my senses that the reason I wanted this degree so badly was to be able to speak for justice of the detrimental and bring hope to a dying culture, towards building a bright generation. Thus, it would not serve a purpose if I did manage to perform successfully on paper, or a certified acceptance that I am indeed a bright student, if I cannot perform those deeds, at the end of the day.
Once you fall, you got to stand up again. You can't just fall and lie at that very spot. You gotta stand up and find which stone that made you trip.
There goes my father, rhythming his way through his philosophical-dictionary-mind. Undoubtedly, he makes perfect sense. From the part of me literally pulling my hair, wailing my heart in agony, shedding tears, and locking myself out from public for 3 continous days, I have to.....HAVE TO move on and accept the fact that things cannot be changed and they happen for a reason.
"It sometimes can backfire and make life more complicated" - Fred Sanders
