Constant and Variable

Something died in me today. Something undefiled and gullible had been reduced to ashes.

I had faith; a faith that mankind had a precious gift whereby it connected each other in a beautiful relationship. Be it friendship, workmates, familial to strangers we meet today, we had a God given bond that brought us all together if only tapped into and willingly consenting vice versa. When bonded in that connection it somehow brought us a step closer to our individual purpose and elevating ourselves closer to our Creator.

"I have to leave anyways. I did not plan anything for tonight but they are insisting for me to be there as the CEO is attending. Our session was great by the way - no regrets"
"I am going nuts here - why aren't you answering my calls? Are you with him? Never talk to me again, Jane"
"It was all my fault Jane. I did it all because of ego. I knew you will become a success in everything you do and I know it was not going to be easy for me. So I couldn't continue this friendship anymore. Trust me it was as hard for me as it was for you"
"I haven't felt this for the longest time and I am so happy. My parents have arranged my marriage, will you be alright if I agreed?"
"Why are you being so ungrateful? Just forget the money she took from you and start anew relationship with my niece"
"If you can arrange the RM30,000 by morning the car is yours. Otherwise, I'll need to go with the buyer your sister has arranged for me"
"Why are you being so sensitive? It's business"

Do you need more evidence? Looking back, numerous incidences took place. Majority were strength building experiences which the thought of it make my eyebrows frown, handful were happy, truly happy experiences till date still consign to oblivion. Throughout these times, there were constants and there were variables - allow me to explain.

We were taught to place importance on fellow brethren than materialistic objects which does not add value to your life. You only find the truth when you are out on the battlefield - struggling to breathe and using every ounce of remaining energy to find the nearest handle to hold on to avoid being stampeded by the crowd. Every person you met was another opportunity to substantiate that faith and when you get slammed down, drag yourself up, dust off and try again.

'That was a bad experience - better days ahead'
'He's a jerk - no wonder he's a loser'
'She is so immature, I'm sure I can find better friends'
'She is a thief. There are others out there who'd value me for who I am'

Convincing yourself it was an isolated incident you allow yourself to be punched, slapped, thrashed over and over again till you are in the present moment and like an overused battery, your bar of faith is running dry. It suddenly dawns on you that humans are in fact, replaceable. The variables were people who walked in and out of your life leaving scars and destroying your innocence which actually depreciated your value as a human being. The constants, surprisingly was the house you live in, your dog, laptop, your bright yellow Myvi, and everything existing around you that does not have a conscience which in fact, appreciated your value as a human being.

Now, you ask: should you build relationship with human beings or materialistic beings? Life is an experiment; tests that we subconsciously exercise on each other to see whether one falls as a constant without conscience or a variable with. So, which are you?

I will never apologize for saying that the future of humanity and the future of the world is going to be defined by what we have in common as opposed to those things that separate us and ultimately lead us into conflict - Barack Obama

The Pursuit of Happiness

It is the single emotion of great pleasure; some interpret it as miracle happenings in life, a rush of feeling caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying while some find it a keen pleasure or elation.

A rush of excitement discovering the unknown song ringing in my head all day. The adrenaline rush that takes over when I plug in earphones and envision being on stage with an electric guitar in my arms, rocking the crowd alive! When home alone, the comfort knowing my iTunes song compilation will keep company throughout the lonesome night.

The excitement upon discovering a blog post from another classmate about his break up - hot from the oven news to gossip about. The bursts of laughter that follows up when a junior student makes a total fool out of himself. Rumors that the Public Law lecturer is dating the Common Law lecturer. Following this, a detailed 2 week Facebook investigation on their photos together and every plausible explanation of each shot. They say curiosity kills the cat, hell, satisfaction brought it back! The way my legs automatically become enlightened the very second the lecturer says, "Alright, let’s wrap it up for the day".

From the most dramatic events of adultery and poking fun on others' unfortunate events, to the slightest gossips on who's wearing what and who's doing who, keeps ones' day going with much humorous-sarcasm. Of course, all of the other little fixation ie the certain tingling feeling I get stepping on dried leaves, the sound of it being crunched and petrol fumes absorbing into my nostrils, getting a whiff of it activates the release of endorphins. 

Others interpret joy as a source of keen pleasure or delight. Something or someone greatly valued or appreciated. When you wake up in the morning to see the love of your life sleeping soundly, right next to you. To place your head on their chest and feel their heartbeat and legs entwined with each other exchanging body heat keeping warm. To kiss their lips and know that is the very same lips you're going to kiss for the rest of your life. 

How the morning breeze can make my day in a single long, deep, breath of it. The sun beating down my skin absorbing its vitamin E, the gentle heat giving me a boost of energy to start anew. To place my feet on the cold ground and say, "Yes! It’s another great day!". And upon reaching the kitchen, the smell of freshly brewed coffee breathing into my nostrils and to my expectation, a hot cuppa coffee waiting for me to be enriched with.

To hear gratitude reply of "Thank you" the moment I place a bundle of submission on your boss' desk after a long 3 long day work on it. To receive text message that reads, "Another cheers to Jane! Keep up your work, you are reaching your goal!" which just keeps me going for the next few days. Some find joy in that adrenaline rush. The very rush that you are sure you are working hard for the right reasons and making a difference in someone's life.

Throwing on a sweat shirt, muscling into the skin fitting running tights and slipping into a pair of  Nike Zoom Pegasus Turbo entices the focus and anticipation of struggle and upcoming pain with much joy of achieving the final goal of stamina and strength. I can feel my whole body working; body muscles contracting warm, gut-wrenching and heart pumping harder. After several thrusts forward, my legs became tired yet I keep pushing as the struggle now is worthwhile the happiness overcoming it.

Some find joy in food. The moment the dish is served on the table is an expression of joy, a glad feeling. Some see having desserts as a festive gaiety. To allocate an hour after dinner on a Tuesday night to enjoy a glass of vanilla milkshake, banana boat and a chocolate-butter waffle, just to satisfy the sweet tooth.

Riding on a Honda EX5 at the weight of 78 kgs with another at 67 kgs riding the pillion putting a 3 way traffic at halt as we dawdle across with thrumming engine struggling to pull through our weights. As thoughts flash back to my early high school days, the top row of my teeth peek through a faint curve to the lips moving the cheeks upward showing crease below the eyes, protruding a sign of bliss to anyone witnessing.

As Elmo wakes from his slumber he shabbily trots across the hall within 10 steps before falling flat on his belly lounging playfully with no care in the world - which really is a fact. Trudging on bent knee toward him, I bury my face on his 4 inch thick sweet smelling golden brown fur instantaneously wallowing all my worries away. This 11 year old Russian born Pekignese never fails to carve a smile to my face just by existing.

Whilst some find joy in their very state of happiness. The very fact that they have a place to return to at night, the choice to have a hot teh-tarik at the struck of midnight. The solid expectation that there is some financial returns at the end of the month, immaterial how meager. A sense of belonging to a family, a church group, college mates, the soccer team, colleagues from workplace, or even just a few close friends. The very current state of concurrency is a certain joy by some.

No matter what your definition of happiness is, at the end of the day when your head rests on that pillow with much gratitude with what you have, with no regrets of the past and much enthusiasm for the future, you know you are heading on the right track.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened - Dr Seuss

A New You

Make it something big - that's where my life is heading to at the moment. I have tons of ideas in my head to implement and soon enough would propel for the whole world to hear and witness. One of them was getting back on blogging, hence here I am! 

Exactly one year ago was my last post. Reading them now shows the major state of confusion I was in. Considering the circumstances, anyone would have felt the same or attempted similar. I have not mustered the strength to let that part of my past go. It still haunts me daily; in making new friends, meeting people, trusting, taking the leap of faith in anything I do. Despite the known fact that FEAR = false evidence appearing real, it is much easier said than done. It is really a daily effort; little steps taken toward growing stronger mentally and emotionally then suddenly without realizing you have shed off the old skin, overcome the huddle and a new you is created. 

Everyday is a new day, and you'll never be able to find happiness if you don't move on - Carrie Underwood

An Impasse

There are two regrets in my life at the moment.

On any circumstances, I never heed regrets; on the contrary I am against it. I believe that everything happened - good or bad, had a reason to. Hence, I never took to heart how regret was meant to feel.

However, tonight I full-heartedly regret 2 occasions that happened in the past. I honestly wish I could take back time and flip the coins on those fateful days.

First Regret : Kartheek saving me from my attempt of committing suicide
Second Regret : Me making promises to him and my best friend, Raji that I will not attempt it again

The point in my life that I am right now, is the worst than I could ask for.

Rise, My Dear Warriors!

The world is condoned to a mindset: the expectation and acceptance of an absurd pretence appearing pleasant and respectable.

People dawdle their everyday caged in their own environment; like prisoners in their own fucking cage. They are their own key holder, but ironically have locked themselves in and disposed it.

"Yes, I am in prison now - just like the rest! Yay!!"

Pride attracts other "inmates" into their prison territory and their natural instinct is to start comparing each other's enclaves,

"I've got Cage A"

"Hey I've just upgraded mine to Cage B from C"

"I've got the new rank: Golden Cage!"

It's one of a kind the Golden Cage onward. There's also a career ladder one climbs up from Silver, Gold, Sapphire, Platinum to Diamond and Blue Diamond to top the list. Cooped in their cages, they embark out of their jurisdictions to mingle with fellow colony to strut and swank an achievement to no avail but chocolate cake to one's ego.

Like flying pigs, someone walks past them: someone like you - without a cage. Appalled, they retaliate by clamouring in utter profanities creating a false impression of you as an imbecile in your fallacious appearance just because you don't own a cage. Absolutely ignorant of the fact that they are in a cage - limited by their own boundaries set whilst you are free unreservedly.

The world is so condoned to the prisoner mindset: so obsessed in advancing the wooden cage to a metal, iron, then bronze, silver, gold, sapphire, platinum eventually diamond. Utterly engrossed in such promotion yet oblivious to the fact that they are living a life of pure materialism and nugatory.

Can you relate such in reality? A typical family has cars - locked up in their garage, houses - secured in a domain of fence and padlocks, wives, husbands and children - curfew to get back to the enormous monkey cages prepared and every now and then during festive seasons especially, invite guests to be entertained in their exclusive parade of materialism. If this' not what insanity is, then I don't know what else it could be.

The problem is bigger than what it appears to be. The problem is that there are very few of us - people like you and me in the whole world. I feel what we are doing is not enough; we must take a great deal of action to create ridiculously abundant success. Having extended to a generous size of the organization, this will only enhance the capacity of money, influence and people. Once these 3 are on our fingertips, then and only then can we conquer the whole fucking world.

'Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world usually do' - Steve Jobs