" I didn't block you babe. I just deactivated my account for a while. It's not that I didn't want to answer your call, but I was at work all weekend. That's why I couldn't take your call or call you back, since I had no credit. I have bought a card now, so I am able to call you from it. I apologize if I made you feel bad. I'm getting some help now from a consultant from the Uni.
I have planned to refrain from drinking much now. It doesn't help and I don't know why I'm feeling like this, but it's not good. Sorry again to say all those stuff to you. I've been taking rash decisions lately and not even concentrating in class properly.
I will try my best to get back in shape - physically and mentally, and get back on track for you. It was not right for me to say those words to you - you do not deserve them. I called up my sister last night, since I couldn't reach you or anyone else, I cried to her. She helped me put things back on perspective, on what's important and what's not. Thank god, I was not daft enough to specify to her any details ( about Karthik or the escort planning I was telling you about ).
Karthik's fine babe, its just me messing things up for us. Maybe it's because of my course, or maybe it's because of money. I really don't know. However, right now I'm clueless as to how to differentiate what I want from what I need. Hence, I suppose that's the reason for my messed up thinking. I hope the university gets back to me as soon as possible to arrange our first meeting and sort my head out. I have a major exam in 2 weeks' time, so I need to focus on that.
I'm sorry about your situation ( no internet and living in anothers' house ). I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I think if we could talk ( as you said weekend ), I'm confident that we will be able to sort things out together. I am at home the whole day on Saturday and I am free on Sunday from 3pm onwards ( Malaysian time : 11pm onward ). Hope to talk to you on Saturday afternoon ( your time ). I will be awake early in the morning on Skype and Facebook. You can call me on my mobile or just text me to call you back, since I now have credit to call. Miss you, and hope to talk soon."
I woke up this morning, in the attempt to sort the mess I made to the one and only relationship I trust my whole life on. I don't know if this will help. But, doing something is always better than nothing. I have lost the self of me I knew long time ago. I don't know when this happened, but one thing I am sure of is that, I need to get her back - FAST. It is not only affecting me and my future, but others around me.
The time shows 08:30 and "Wake Me Up" by Avicii is playing on the background. He is right, to which I can relate to when he says, "All these times I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost". Well, at least now I know I am, I just need to find a map to get me back on the right track. I cannot take advantange of what I have been fighting for all these years.
I remember the day I stepped into the Law School in Malaysia, Advanced Tertiary College. I was introduced to the Bar Professional Training Course. It is an intensive 9-month course to train a qualified law graduate into becoming a barrister, practicable everywhere in Europe and corresponding countries, including Malaysia. Upon hearing that, I vowed to push myself, by hook or by crook, to get into that course to make me a qualified practitioner, not only in Malaysia but everywhere in Europe. Now that I have it in my hands, I seem to be slipping the very opportunity away.
I remember those years when I experienced how my father upheld his life principles he held close to his heart and whom spoke out his mind, without holding back any emotions, and I recall telling myself that I want such an independent man in my life to accompany my independence. Now that I have him in my life, I seem to be corroding the very limited time we have for each other.
I need to sort these things in my life. I need to get my dream back. I need to get ME back.
"It isn't the mountains ahead to climb that wear you down. It's the pebble in your shoe." Muhammad Ali.
