Finding the Lost Me

" I didn't block you babe. I just deactivated my account for a while. It's not that I didn't want to answer your call, but I was at work all weekend. That's why I couldn't take your call or call you back, since I had no credit. I have bought a card now, so I am able to call you from it. I apologize if I made you feel bad. I'm getting some help now from a consultant from the Uni.
I have planned to refrain from drinking much now. It doesn't help and I don't know why I'm feeling like this, but it's not good. Sorry again to say all those stuff to you. I've been taking rash decisions lately and not even concentrating in class properly.
I will try my best to get back in shape - physically and mentally, and get back on track for you. It was not right for me to say those words to you - you do not deserve them. I called up my sister last night, since I couldn't reach you or anyone else, I cried to her. She helped me put things back on perspective, on what's important and what's not. Thank god, I was not daft enough to specify to her any details ( about Karthik or the escort planning I was telling you about ).
Karthik's fine babe, its just me messing things up for us. Maybe it's because of my course, or maybe it's because of money. I really don't know. However, right now I'm clueless as to how to differentiate what I want from what I need. Hence, I suppose that's the reason for my messed up thinking. I hope the university gets back to me as soon as possible to arrange our first meeting and sort my head out. I have a major exam in 2 weeks' time, so I need to focus on that.
I'm sorry about your situation ( no internet and living in anothers' house ). I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I think if we could talk ( as you said weekend ), I'm confident that we will be able to sort things out together. I am at home the whole day on Saturday and I am free on Sunday from 3pm onwards ( Malaysian time : 11pm onward ). Hope to talk to you on Saturday afternoon ( your time ). I will be awake early in the morning on Skype and Facebook. You can call me on my mobile or just text me to call you back, since I now have credit to call. Miss you, and hope to talk soon."

I woke up this morning, in the attempt to sort the mess I made to the one and only relationship I trust my whole life on. I don't know if this will help. But, doing something is always better than nothing. I have lost the self of me I knew long time ago. I don't know when this happened, but one thing I am sure of is that, I need to get her back - FAST. It is not only affecting me and my future, but others around me.

The time shows 08:30 and "Wake Me Up" by Avicii is playing on the background. He is right, to which I can relate to when he says, "All these times I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost". Well, at least now I know I am, I just need to find a map to get me back on the right track. I cannot take advantange of what I have been fighting for all these years.

I remember the day I stepped into the Law School in Malaysia, Advanced Tertiary College. I was introduced to the Bar Professional Training Course. It is an intensive 9-month course to train a qualified law graduate into becoming a barrister, practicable everywhere in Europe and corresponding countries, including Malaysia. Upon hearing that, I vowed to push myself, by hook or by crook, to get into that course to make me a qualified practitioner, not only in Malaysia but everywhere in Europe. Now that I have it in my hands, I seem to be slipping the very opportunity away.

I remember those years when I experienced how my father upheld his life principles he held close to his heart and whom spoke out his mind, without holding back any emotions, and I recall telling myself that I want such an independent man in my life to accompany my independence. Now that I have him in my life, I seem to be corroding the very limited time we have for each other.

I need to sort these things in my life. I need to get my dream back. I need to get ME back.

"It isn't the mountains ahead to climb that wear you down. It's the pebble in your shoe." Muhammad Ali.

Crumbled Pieces

Practically, everything seems crumbled in pieces at this very moment in my life. I don't seem to be reaching the necessary grades I aimed for when I first arrived here. By this time of the year, I should have managed to secure a job or at least an attachment somewhere. By this time of my course, I should have acquired the necessary knowledge or experience to be able to live independently and carefree with the citizens of the country. By now, I should be able to have the legal skills at my fingertips, and absolutely passionate about the very purpose of me being here and striving every possibility of reaching out of the box.

However, on the contrary, my grades never fell far from where it was before I arrived here. I have applied at numerous places, trying my very best to secure, if not a job, at least an internship at any nearby firms. Nothing seems to be available anywhere. As days pass by, I see myself deteriorating emotionally and intellectually. My usual routine of daily run, daily reading and daily blogging, has conversed to something so paltry. Numerous hours of sleeping, back to back movies online, day dreaming, scrolling on Facebook to feed my envy on others' achievement or success and making random calls to friends rattling about how fucked up life is, consumes every possible free time. Everything I envisaged, planned for and hoped to happen is now falling apart. It has fallen apart so much, its too late for me to be able to pick the pieces up and build it back again.

Maybe if I paid more attention to details, I would have uploaded the coursework properly?

Maybe if I kept my priorities right, I would have excelled in the earlier assignment which was a lot manageable than the second killer option?

Maybe if I stayed on track and focused on me, I would not have absorbed anothers' hobby and schedule and make it part of my life?

Maybe if I stuck with the original plan, it would have pushed me harder and I would have been able to save up more money to pay my loans back?

Maybe if I was more serious, I would have sent the Bar Application a lot earlier and received an offer 2 months later, without this unnecessary work up?

Maybe if I was more committed, I would have sent my references months ahead before the deadline and the administration process would have benefited me?

And, maybe if I just thought with my head and not my feelings, I would have avoided the greatest sin of mankind, LOVE, which has lead me now to much heartache and distress?

Hayley Williams' Airplane hopeless words are flooding my 48" by 75", 4 walled room. I wished I was granted a wish now. I would turn back time and answer all those questions, which would leave me in a better position now. Nothing seems to be in my hands, I can't seem to control anything now. I feel so useless, sometimes unbelievably daft. So much so, I wished I was not born in the family I'm in right now. Their affection, attention, care and undying love is of much deservance for someone more worthy than myself. Time's ticking by, dark clouds pass by and white clouds overtake, night turns to day, sunray breaks through the darkness after a heavy pour, crowd walks by in a jiffy and it suddenly becomes dead silent. Yet, I still remain: aimless, undecided what is waiting for me or if I should run for it, and most of all - fearful. Absolutely, dreadful.

"We fear violence less than our feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict" Jim Morrison

Is this love?

The sound of the lighter flicking filled the cold air of the bathroom on the first 2013 Friday night. As I sat there, enlarging my rectum, allowing all the digested leftovers from the previous nights and days' to be flushed out into the latrine, I inhaled Golden Virginia, embracing its tobacco euphoria. It was confusing to me, thinking about everything that we did and said to each other. There is an obvious strong attraction and connection. I confidently could say, an implied relationship. Something more than just friendship or a fellow colleague. Something more than a just sex partner or a boyfriend. Something much more than all these. What I felt, or am still feeling is definitely real. What I've learnt from all these years is that, no matter what happens, a persons' intuition is never wrong. Be it that he or she may be wrong in what they said or did, but at that moment of a particular incident, whatever that you felt, was never a lie.

What I'm about to explain may seem very cliche' to some of you. It may seem like a puppy-crush to others or something a lonely college student is trying to fill up her time with. Either way, I don't give two pennies. When a person really cares for you, it doesn't take too much for the person to show to be able to notice the amount of care given. The fact that he remembers what we discussed a week ago, or the fact that I confessed to him all the outrageous rendezvous, yet an ounce of respect is not lessened, or the fact that we have multiple disagreements, get into numerous arguments and finally agree to disagree, he never gets tired of disagreeing only to start the whole cycle of altercation, again. He sometimes could even act pathetically ridiculous in front of everyone, just to impress me, by creating a dramatic scene only to prove a point that he was right all the while.

When I was down with fever, I was praying and hoping someone was with me to take care when I'm at my weakest. And, he comes along, insists me to leave my 4 walled room, takes me on a ride to get some Chinese vegetable soup for my sore throat and stays with me that night. On those clubbing nights, he would childishly swing  his drunken state on the dance floor to literally steal me away from any guy that attempts to dance with me and then, later apologizes for acting so. Or, when he looks into my eyes, bearing in mind without prior heavy beer drinking ( so, he is totally sober and conscious ), and tells me he loves me, those are the moments where you want to capture in a bottle and close it with a lid so tight, it never seeps out.

I can never know if he is truly feeling the words and actions he expresses to me. Or, if his actions are so general, its applicable to everyone. If it really is, he must be an almost perfect living being. If not, the question remains then, if he feels for me at the same depth I feel for him.

“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul” - Judy Garland