Crumbled Pieces

Practically, everything seems crumbled in pieces at this very moment in my life. I don't seem to be reaching the necessary grades I aimed for when I first arrived here. By this time of the year, I should have managed to secure a job or at least an attachment somewhere. By this time of my course, I should have acquired the necessary knowledge or experience to be able to live independently and carefree with the citizens of the country. By now, I should be able to have the legal skills at my fingertips, and absolutely passionate about the very purpose of me being here and striving every possibility of reaching out of the box.

However, on the contrary, my grades never fell far from where it was before I arrived here. I have applied at numerous places, trying my very best to secure, if not a job, at least an internship at any nearby firms. Nothing seems to be available anywhere. As days pass by, I see myself deteriorating emotionally and intellectually. My usual routine of daily run, daily reading and daily blogging, has conversed to something so paltry. Numerous hours of sleeping, back to back movies online, day dreaming, scrolling on Facebook to feed my envy on others' achievement or success and making random calls to friends rattling about how fucked up life is, consumes every possible free time. Everything I envisaged, planned for and hoped to happen is now falling apart. It has fallen apart so much, its too late for me to be able to pick the pieces up and build it back again.

Maybe if I paid more attention to details, I would have uploaded the coursework properly?

Maybe if I kept my priorities right, I would have excelled in the earlier assignment which was a lot manageable than the second killer option?

Maybe if I stayed on track and focused on me, I would not have absorbed anothers' hobby and schedule and make it part of my life?

Maybe if I stuck with the original plan, it would have pushed me harder and I would have been able to save up more money to pay my loans back?

Maybe if I was more serious, I would have sent the Bar Application a lot earlier and received an offer 2 months later, without this unnecessary work up?

Maybe if I was more committed, I would have sent my references months ahead before the deadline and the administration process would have benefited me?

And, maybe if I just thought with my head and not my feelings, I would have avoided the greatest sin of mankind, LOVE, which has lead me now to much heartache and distress?

Hayley Williams' Airplane hopeless words are flooding my 48" by 75", 4 walled room. I wished I was granted a wish now. I would turn back time and answer all those questions, which would leave me in a better position now. Nothing seems to be in my hands, I can't seem to control anything now. I feel so useless, sometimes unbelievably daft. So much so, I wished I was not born in the family I'm in right now. Their affection, attention, care and undying love is of much deservance for someone more worthy than myself. Time's ticking by, dark clouds pass by and white clouds overtake, night turns to day, sunray breaks through the darkness after a heavy pour, crowd walks by in a jiffy and it suddenly becomes dead silent. Yet, I still remain: aimless, undecided what is waiting for me or if I should run for it, and most of all - fearful. Absolutely, dreadful.

"We fear violence less than our feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict" Jim Morrison