Hope

"Hi babyyyy…!!"


He came running into the room with the widest, brightest smile one could ask for on a Monday night. With that warm glow, his happiness heated the cold room instantly and his dazzling eyes shining brighter than the tree-topper on Christmas morning, he scampered towards me with arms wide open, as if welcoming me to his humble abode for the very first time. Within a split second, I felt myself covered entirely with this strange fostered sensation which I somewhat cannot decipher, despite encountering on a daily basis for the past 2 years.


"I'm sorry, honey"

"What for, dear?" I asked curiously.

"For leaving you here all alone while I'm out there partying and having fun"

"Oh, you are just doing what you're supposed to do. Besides, I have work to complete after this movie ends", I assured him.

"But, still…"

"Shh…Don't worry about me. I'm happy where I am. Go, entertain your guests, have fun, and when you're done, come back and we'll sleep"

"Alright, baby. Thank you so much"


He scampered back out the room, presumably towards the living room where his friends were. A party was taking place in congregation with the soon departure of one of his housemates back to his home country, India. Though, it is quite common for women and men to have a couple of drinks and get drunk together on a night such as this, however for Asians, if I may narrow my scope towards Indians, it may seem quite awkward, especially when there is A woman and MANY men in a limited enclosed area and THAT woman is taken.


Don't be mistaken. I am not told to lock myself in the room and ignore everything that is taking place outside. On the contrary, I am encouraged to join, have drinks and spend time with the male crowd. However, I have stayed too long amongst Indians to know what is "accepted" and what is "not accepted" as part of the culture. It is said that it is not "appropriate" for a woman to be in the presence of men whom are consuming alcoholic drinks. Why? I suppose they arrived at the conclusion that men have a high possibility of violent sexual thoughts once consumed a certain amount of alcohol. And if women were present in their company during these occurences, they just might utter something uncomfortable or discriminative. I know, I know, "gender equality" and "mutual respect" are part of the issues arising in your head as you read this. It's a shame that culture and law never integrated. Probably, it's for the best. If you find yourself to still have question marks in your head, blame the Indian culture as this post is not intended to start a debate.


Continuing from where we left, this man has immense feelings for me. Feelings which I never dreamt I would feel. Feelings which I was never showered with my whole life. Feelings which I never encountered from any other being for the past 25 years living on Earth. Could this be the "long lasting enduring love" which every artist never fails to sing about in at least one song from each album produced? I wonder how can a man…If I may rephrase my question: WHY would a man love a woman endlessly without holding any grudges or unknown regrets? It would make sense to do so if she was "every mans' dream girl", if that even exist. Even if she wasn't, it would still make sense if she was responsible for everything existing in his life at the moment; from the basic needs of doing laundry to cooking or taking care of the kids to pertinent matters of life making decisions i.e. buying a car or getting involved in that specific life-time investment for future security of the children. It would make so much more sense if she was that much involved in his life, that without her, he would be an absolute wreck.


But, what if she just could not give 2 pennies about his future plans? She couldn't care less about what he wants to do and how much he intends to earn on an annual basis by the time he reaches 30 years of age, as long as he is financially stable and listens to what she says, its a green light! What if the sole focus in her mind was her career and independence i.e. financially and emotionally? And without this she does not see any further purpose of living anymore? How can a man…If I may rephrase that question again: WHY would a man love a woman so endlessly when all her intentions are focused solely on herself and her well being, whilst his needs are pure considerations? As long as he is available, in mind, soul and financially when she thinks she could be ready to start something different in her life, then and only then, would she place trivial regard to his actual existence, let alone his influence, in her life.


Not enough with the selfish side of her, especially when this woman whom is so damaged inside, not allowing to let go of the past incidences and guilt, she could just possibly be physiologically slightly insane. To make matters worst, she allowed that dark side overtake the only remaining sane part left in her, which is him, expose herself to another man in a way a woman in a 2 year relationship which she fought for, should never have. Reaching a conclusion that finally, there is nothing to hold on to in her life, consumes 20 sleeping pills with a cup of hot chocolate, in an attempt to end her senseless life. Little did she know, with her body mass, she would need at least 40 to numb her nerves. Having admitted to the sin she committed and being pardoned of it, she continues to place one foot in the grave - feeling contented being close to death. Yet, he continues to forgive her whole heartedly, trust that passion which they once had, still burns zealously and continues to believe she will become the Jane whom he fell in love with, 2 years ago - his Jane.


By now, you would have an image of a woman whom is absolutely confident on what she wants and who she wants to become yet she does not know who she currently is and where her priorities are supposed to be. So, please help me understand, why would anyone push any further involvement in such a cluttered and confused being? Is this what love is supposed to be? To persist ones' feelings towards another being so much so as to overwhelm them, with the hope of them being the person whom you think they should be, or the person whom you think they were happy being of? Is HOPE what love is?


I took a very long time to write this out. I found excuses to avoid typing this out, so much that a kindergarten child could not have come up with. But, nothing 7 pints of Tuborg and a box of Marlboro Lights can't do. Despite much substance abuse, it managed to bring me to tears at one point. The point where I came terms with what I really felt about this relationship. The point where I realised that I perceive his needs as mere "considerations". I cannot, until now, feel what I felt 2 years ago when I first met him. I do not know when I will, or if I will, feel the same or feel lesser or more. I cannot seek spiritual help, not just yet. The guilt is killing me, still. The only help I can seek now, apart from him, is counselling. I suppose the only thing I can hold on to see the greener pastures in the near future is, hope.


" We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope". Martin Luther King, Jr.

I Had A Dream

"Listen, just sit here and she will come"
"Okay, you sure about this? Cause' I really am not"
"Don't worry, there she is. She's coming. She will get into you and then you just shout rape"

I noticed a young girl dressed in a colorful outfit. It seemed as if she just left the park situated in front of us and walked under the bridge toward us. When in fact, she actually appeared from thin air. I didn't look straight at her because I was afraid of the unknown. I just felt her presence walking beside me, ending up sitting right behind me. All of a sudden, I felt this wild breeze brush my hair and a weird trance I was put in. At that moment, I knew she was inside me - I was possessed by her.

Despite all the horror movies and stories that we have watched or heard during childhood, I did not turn into a monstrous looking creature and I could still have control over my thoughts and actions. It was as if she was inside me, but I still had control over myself - she was a mere spectator to the drama that was about to take place.

There was an act between Kartheek and me - a pre-enacted rape scene. He pulled me (or should I say us?) toward him and tried to undo my buttons, as I cried for help. Along came a group of feminists, consisting of many men and women, gathered around me. I noticed one particular man in the group whom had a french beard with tanned colored skin and a huge belly. He was the poster boy of a villain character in every Indian movie.

I continued crying for help. It was quite bizarre to notice their gigantic hands and long finger nails, hold on to me, dragging me away from the scene. I could not understand what they were saying but it felt as if they were comforting me and guiding my path towards my purpose for that day.

Everything seemed quite blur for the remaining journey till I reached a war torn building, desolated for years, from the looks of it. Upon reaching it, I somehow knew what I was supposed to do. I had decided to speak, courageously, to a few men regarding a very sensitive issue which I somehow cannot seem to recall now, for the love of God.

At the start of the conversation, things were going fine. Then, hell broke loose. Upon the conclusion of the discussion, I was about to leave. By then, I somehow owned a bike to cycle with back home. However, the "guides" that took me to this desecrated place, decided to leave me idle and find my own way home. I shrieked, since I did not have a clue on how I reached this place, let alone the way back home. I chased after them, pleading to direct me home instead of leaving me alone with these men. I heard them speak certain words in Tamil (an Indian dialect) which meant that I was cheated and now I have just dug my own grave.

I continued running towards their direction, pleading louder and harder the further I ran. Despite my efforts, they slowly disappeared into thin air. At that moment, I knew I was alone - all alone with a group of men whom I have just expressed my dissatisfaction over a very sensitive issue that I am not aware of, in an abandoned building. Though, I knew that she was still inside me, it was not helpful since I seem to be running the show instead of her.

Failed in keeping my guides with me, I turned around. There were 2 men standing outside the building with more lurking from inside. Their crooked smile and bad intended looks thrown at me, urged my senses to leave that place at that very instance. I clumsily grabbed hold of my bike and headed to the road ahead. Just then, I realized that there were similar roads diverted to my  left and right. I needed directions badly and my only choices were those men.

I asked one standing nearest to me and he offered to send me home, in a while. I declined and replied that I will find my way home myself. By then, he was persisting and again, everything went blur in my sight and the next thing I know, is that I am inside the ancient building, at the highest floor, in a room with a group of men. I had already concluded a discussion by then and decided to leave. Upon leaving, they circulated me, blocking my exit. I eventually squeezed my way out the door and reached outside.

I bumped into the man whom I met from the feminists group. With other 3 fellow men, he was sitting on the concrete wall that separated us from falling 20 feet below. My heart skipped a beat and I poured out all my fear to him, expressing the need for protection. He listened quietly as he gazed upon me, his eyes screening me from top to bottom. I recognized that look from the previous men whom I saw downstairs. He then smiled to himself as he continued looking at me, and he directed towards his friends, reiterating what was said earlier.

"That's it, she's cheated. Another victim. Hahahaha"

I was back stabbed. I don't know why but I knew I had to leave the place immediately before my cervix is rummaged by 20 or so, strangely looking men, thirsting for lust. I chucked a bag which I was hanging on to, and ran towards the nearest staircase. Upon reaching it, a strong young man had beaten me at this race. I fell into his arms and struggled to get out. I put up a good fight, kicking and pushing him away, and once released, I remembered that she was still here - inside me.

She could help me! After all, I am here because of her.

Hence, knowing that she will after all be there as my last resort, I made a rash decision. The easiest and quickest way out of this mess was to jump off the building. And so, I ran towards the wall, grabbed hold of the sides and elevated myself up!

My eyes pushed wide open and I hear the white noise of the fan spinning away, cooling the room with its air. I searched frantically for a person - on my IPhone and laptop.

"Dipan!" I shouted, upon realizing that I left the Skype call on with my friend and slept off. The electronic clock showed 08:27. I finally managed to get some sleep after failing for the past 5 hours. Evidently, that 2 hour nap that should have been more than enough, left an utmost disturbing effect.

I told both Dipan and Luna Maya, whom were on the group call at that time. I tried dialing Kartheek, but as expected he was snoring away in his dream land. I managed to get Saree on the phone and told her about my dream. As I was narrating to her, I remembered that I have been having similar disturbing dreams for the past few weeks and have not been able to sleep alone - because I have never felt that I was alone.

Saree had comforting words by reminding me that my actions has led me to these continued nightmares. The series of horror movies just before bedtime, the problems that I have put myself through, also the fever that I have just caught weakens me which eventually affects my sleep. That perspective that she placed for me, made perfect sense. I suppose now I will have to reconnect with my long, lost and almost forgotten spirituality which I held close to my heart, once a upon a time. This recurring nightmares and presence of someone else around me even when I am alone, HAS TO STOP!

"Dreams are illustrations...from the book your soul is writing about you.." Marsha Norman

I took 9 Panadols

I took 9 Panadols,
I don't feel any changes,
My life seems crumbled into pieces at the moment,
I feel utter useless.

I took 9 Panadols,
I am starting to feel slightly dizzy,
I seem to be bringing problems to everyone around me,
I think I need to start avoiding them - for their betterment.

I took 9 Panadols,
My stomach is starting to gurgle,
I am trying to avoid them,
Loneliness is creeping in.

I took 9 Panadols,
My stomach is aching now,
Loneliness has crept in and it's eating my soul,
I roll a joint to help ease the pain.

I took 9 Panadols,
I'm flying,
I cannot feel anything,
I wish I can cut myself or jump outside the window to feel some pain.

I took 9 Panadols,
I'm crying and wailing,
I wish I can cut open my brains and take them out,
I wish I need not think about anything.

I took 9 Panadols,
I am tired of living on,
I am almost certain I am not able to bring any good to this world,
I am hoping I will just leave it while I am asleep.