"Hi
babyyyy…!!"
He came
running into the room with the widest, brightest smile one could ask for on a
Monday night. With that warm glow, his happiness heated the cold room instantly
and his dazzling eyes shining brighter than the tree-topper on Christmas
morning, he scampered towards me with arms wide open, as if welcoming me to his
humble abode for the very first time. Within a split second, I felt myself
covered entirely with this strange fostered sensation which I somewhat cannot
decipher, despite encountering on a daily basis for the past 2 years.
"I'm
sorry, honey"
"What
for, dear?" I asked curiously.
"For
leaving you here all alone while I'm out there partying and having fun"
"Oh,
you are just doing what you're supposed to do. Besides, I have work to complete
after this movie ends", I assured him.
"But,
still…"
"Shh…Don't
worry about me. I'm happy where I am. Go, entertain your guests, have fun, and
when you're done, come back and we'll sleep"
"Alright,
baby. Thank you so much"
He
scampered back out the room, presumably towards the living room where his
friends were. A party was taking place in congregation with the soon departure
of one of his housemates back to his home country, India. Though, it is quite
common for women and men to have a couple of drinks and get drunk together on a
night such as this, however for Asians, if I may narrow my scope towards
Indians, it may seem quite awkward, especially when there is A woman and MANY
men in a limited enclosed area and THAT woman is taken.
Don't be
mistaken. I am not told to lock myself in the room and ignore everything that
is taking place outside. On the contrary, I am encouraged to join, have drinks
and spend time with the male crowd. However, I have stayed too long amongst
Indians to know what is "accepted" and what is "not
accepted" as part of the culture. It is said that it is not
"appropriate" for a woman to be in the presence of men whom are
consuming alcoholic drinks. Why? I suppose they arrived at the conclusion that
men have a high possibility of violent sexual thoughts once consumed a certain
amount of alcohol. And if women were present in their company during these
occurences, they just might utter something uncomfortable or discriminative. I
know, I know, "gender equality" and "mutual respect" are
part of the issues arising in your head as you read this. It's a shame that
culture and law never integrated. Probably, it's for the best. If you find
yourself to still have question marks in your head, blame the Indian culture as
this post is not intended to start a debate.
Continuing
from where we left, this man has immense feelings for me. Feelings which I
never dreamt I would feel. Feelings which I was never showered with my whole
life. Feelings which I never encountered from any other being for the past 25
years living on Earth. Could this be the "long lasting enduring love"
which every artist never fails to sing about in at least one song from each
album produced? I wonder how can a man…If I may rephrase my question: WHY would
a man love a woman endlessly without holding any grudges or unknown regrets? It
would make sense to do so if she was "every mans' dream girl", if
that even exist. Even if she wasn't, it would still make sense if she was responsible
for everything existing in his life at the moment; from the basic needs of
doing laundry to cooking or taking care of the kids to pertinent matters of
life making decisions i.e. buying a car or getting involved in that specific
life-time investment for future security of the children. It would make so much
more sense if she was that much involved in his life, that without her, he
would be an absolute wreck.
But, what
if she just could not give 2 pennies about his future plans? She couldn't care
less about what he wants to do and how much he intends to earn on an annual
basis by the time he reaches 30 years of age, as long as he is financially
stable and listens to what she says, its a green light! What if the sole focus
in her mind was her career and independence i.e. financially and emotionally?
And without this she does not see any further purpose of living anymore? How
can a man…If I may rephrase that question again: WHY would a man love a woman
so endlessly when all her intentions are focused solely on herself and her well
being, whilst his needs are pure considerations? As long as he is available, in
mind, soul and financially when she thinks she could be ready to start
something different in her life, then and only then, would she place trivial
regard to his actual existence, let alone his influence, in her life.
Not enough
with the selfish side of her, especially when this woman whom is so damaged
inside, not allowing to let go of the past incidences and guilt, she could just
possibly be physiologically slightly insane. To make matters worst, she allowed
that dark side overtake the only remaining sane part left in her, which is him,
expose herself to another man in a way a woman in a 2 year relationship which
she fought for, should never have. Reaching a conclusion that finally, there is
nothing to hold on to in her life, consumes 20 sleeping pills with a cup of hot
chocolate, in an attempt to end her senseless life. Little did she know, with
her body mass, she would need at least 40 to numb her nerves. Having admitted
to the sin she committed and being pardoned of it, she continues to place one
foot in the grave - feeling contented being close to death. Yet, he
continues to forgive her whole heartedly, trust that passion which they once had,
still burns zealously and continues to believe she will become the Jane
whom he fell in love with, 2 years ago - his Jane.
By now, you
would have an image of a woman whom is absolutely confident on what she wants
and who she wants to become yet she does not know who she currently is and
where her priorities are supposed to be. So, please help me understand, why
would anyone push any further involvement in such a cluttered and confused
being? Is this what love is supposed to be? To persist ones' feelings towards
another being so much so as to overwhelm them, with the hope of them being the
person whom you think they should be, or the person whom you think they were
happy being of? Is HOPE what love is?
I took a
very long time to write this out. I found excuses to avoid typing this out, so
much that a kindergarten child could not have come up with. But, nothing 7
pints of Tuborg and a box of Marlboro Lights can't do. Despite much substance
abuse, it managed to bring me to tears at one point. The point where I came
terms with what I really felt about this relationship. The point where I
realised that I perceive his needs as mere "considerations". I
cannot, until now, feel what I felt 2 years ago when I first met him. I do not
know when I will, or if I will, feel the same or feel lesser or more. I cannot
seek spiritual help, not just yet. The guilt is killing me, still. The only
help I can seek now, apart from him, is counselling. I suppose the only thing I
can hold on to see the greener pastures in the near future is, hope.
" We must accept finite disappointment, but
never lose infinite hope". Martin Luther King, Jr.
