That was when I felt my heart beat increasing as my world trembled.
"Did you reconfirm back before you said yes ?? Hello, I was bloody beside when he called and you just replied: Yes. And I said to consult TM first. In future, consult with all of us before you make the call. Because I bloody pay also and he is not renting one room to you only!"
This was when I felt my world crashing down on me. It's not the fact that he said it - it's quite expected from his background and mentality which I have gathered past 8 months under the same roof. It's the fact that a "Home" which I was introduced to since birth, did not give me a pleasant experience neither was I at peace staying in. And by leaving it to another I falsely gave myself an impression that doing so will help sort the issue - apparently not.
The term "running away" from your problems was never a solution. In seeking answers to solving challenges, no motivational book or self help authors will ever suggest this. However, in life it seems such an easy and quick fix and before you know it you're back in the same situation, but different place.
"Jane, this is all for us to learn. This is all about communication. So, I feel it is something for both you & I to learn. You can't just keep running away from 1 house to another thinking it's a solution to all your problems. I mean, think about it. Why from your same house situation you are facing the same thing. Something is not right with the way you're handling the issue at hand. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE PERSON; IT'S ABOUT THE ISSUE AT HAND".
At a moment when you feel everything is your fault and you cannot talk to anyone on how you feel, you become so breathless that you start choking. You start gasping for air and you realize there is no point of doing so because no one is waiting for you anyways - so you start crying asking God: Why I am here? What the fuck do you want me to learn? What the fuck am I meant to do..? Can't you see that your child is being hurt so much and being pushed to a corner that she feels so helpless? Are you happy you've placed her in such a situation..?
Despite it makes much sense what Mickey messaged overlooking what's happened, it was very hard to swallow at that moment. Though it has been the next day now that I'm writing this, I haven't had my head around this to find out its whats and whys.
I woke around 2 in the afternoon, hoping sleeping will magically make my thoughts go away - which of course did not. I could not bear speaking to anyone as I was feeling too hurt inside. Throwing my blanket off me, I dragged myself into the next room washroom after peeping if he was at home - coast clear! Cleaned myself and had a random thought to find myself again.
I googled the nearest forest in Kuantan, wazed it and in lesser than an hour reached. The sound of crickets chirping, the rustle of leaves and the smell of damp soil seeped into the depths of my soul. I was awed by the never disappointing beauty of Mother Nature and started my walk into the woods: pushing away leaves clearing my path, holding my life onto 4cm thick manila ropes as I climbed over huge rocks and slid down slippery muddy tracks, a Hello! greeting every now and then when paths of 2 hikers crossed and singing my heart out to "Lost Stars" by Adam Levine when no one is seen on my track.
The woods secluded me from the rest of the world. I’m on my own with nobody else in sight, just Mother Nature and me. I was able to connect with myself and realized few things: I am not as fearless as I used to be and gave priority to others' thoughts and opinions than my own. I realized that I am not perfect and I make mistakes - well that's what makes us human. The difference between one human and another is what step is taken post these mistakes: to be sharper and better or remain the same. I choose the former because I believe my faith in God that he has plans for me and every situation and every person in this current time is placed for a reason. I choose to increase that faith in Him and grow as a person to manage upcoming situations maturely instead of emotionally driven.
Staying the same means going backwards - Roger Federer
