Jeng Jeng Jeng

Clock struck 3. Seemed sinfully dark outside. The losers went on looking for their next victim, like vultures in search for carcass. In this case, I was the vulture. Lost in the rush of adrenaline, we engaged throughout the night, till at one point my body couldn't take it any longer and my brains said, Enough is enough. "Hey, dude look. That was sweet. But I gotta run. Catch ya sometime later". And I switched the streamyx modem off and clicked "shut down" on my laptop, without the need to know his response. Clock showed 4.15. Switching the lights off, I climbed into my bed, tucked beneath my sheets, and hung on to my bolster.

Darkness grew over me. Shimmering lights seem to appear from the corner of that very cavern. Echos can be heard wavering. Cold wind stroked my hair back and forth, rustling it through the idleness of the night. The only truthful sound that could be heard was the sound of my endless breathing. The echos seem to grow louder, but now it doesn't seem much of an echo. More of a whisper. It sounds so familiar, so close, so sad, yet terrifyingly worried. Eventually, sounding more of a cry....a voice! Yes! It is a voice of someone I know! She is crying, or isn't she?

The sobbing was directly coming from the entrance of the room. A figure, so familiar, at a sight I could recognise who it was. The lights were turned on. Angel was standing at the doorway, clinging on to the part of the wall where it was made from wood-weeping! My heart almost stopped. I got of the bed, and dashed out to grab hold of her. "There...there. It's alright. I'm here", I assured her. I looked at the clock, sadly hammered to the wall, it showed 5 minutes to 6. Jesus Christ! I slept for lesser than 2 hours? Snapping back to reality, I adhered her cautiously back to her bed and the first thing that came to my mind after doing so was,
"Now, where the heck did that holy oil go to?"

I diverted back to the alter, borrowed the holy oil from the man with the long curly hair and face covered with beard, who was in the framed photograph next to another which had a lovely looking lady in it with her head covered with a scarf. Dipping my hand in, I placed some on her forehead and her neck, with the sign of the cross. She was still weeping when I placed it on her head, only that now it is a little slow and less vigorous.

"I heard it again.....everytime I keep the door open, it comes back, haunting me. I couldn't control myself. It was pushing me...." she said between sobs. I cut her short, reassuring that everything is fine now. Closing the balcony door behind me, I returned to her and directed her back to my room. After a few minutes of persuasion, she agreed to get some minutes of rest on my bed. Leaving the room lighted up, with a big sigh I headed downstairs and performed the usual routine of lighting up the hall, continued with the dining room and lastly the kitchen, allowing Elmo out for his daily dosage of the "wee morning cool breeze".

"What are you doing?", she questioned from the pavement of the 20 year old wooden stairs. "Nah, nothing. Just the usual stuff", trying my very best to sound like it was another ordinary morning with nothing unusual taking place prior. Putting the whole incident at the back of my head, I got back to my daily activities trying to live life normal. It was just before I wanted to head to the kitchen for a bite, she called me up to the balcony.

"Here, listen. Can you hear that? That jingling sound. It's coming from the tree, the neighbours'. That was the exact noise I hear every single time before the attack takes place. It will push me towards the bed so hard and with much intensity, I instantaneously forget my prayers. Can you believe it even makes me forget the Our Father?"

So since you forget it, why don't you just renounce from Christianity? Our Father is like THE prayer every Christian should keep in heart till the very last of their breath. Snapping back to reality, "That is the sound of the insect, for pete's sake!", I exclaimed

"No...no...listen again..."

(to be continued)

A Time for A Change

I was watching this series called Army Wives over lunch, which was about 2 hours ago. It revolves around this bunch of women and a man whose other half is involved in the army. Some would be mere soldiers that fight in wartime, while some would be lieutenants and so on.

The usual run of the 1 hour episode will have a moral ending in the end. This time, it was about this lady, one of the army wives, who convinced her long lost friend to give a short speech. The speech was supposed to be inspirational to this group of young people who lost their legs to their own carelessness. Lets call her friend, Mac. Mac too lost his legs due to his reckless driving on the road, few months back.

In the hall where he was supposed to deliver his side of the story, here is the crux of it :

"I don't know how to start this. A friend of mine told me that it would be good to start of with a joke"

(crowd giggling)

"But, we know that the joke is on us, uh? It was a Friday afternoon on May the 2nd when I was on my way out and I came back without them. You know, you just live in a different manner after that incident. Frustration sets in. Anger takes control. Every single day you regret. We beat ourselves because we can't seem to forgive ourselves. But, if it weren't for May the 2nd, I wouldn't be here right now talking to you. If I hadn't gone through that accident, I wouldn't have seen this side of me. See, sometimes we just have to let it go. Let go the frustration. Let go the anger. Let go the grudge we have implanted inside us. Because, if we don't, it is just going to be a hurdle for us to reach our highest potential. If we let this growing hatred inside us go, we let ourselves free from the extra weight. That extra burden. That leash tied around our neck to stop us from reaching our goals. We let go of the very thing that had been holding us behind to reach what we are supposed to reach - our maximum potential. We turn into this person we never knew existed inside us. So, just let go. What has happened to us is for a reason. To make us lead a new life differently from others. This is a gift given to us. Months to come is not going to be easy. I would not lie that it will be easy. It will not be. But, the challenges ahead make us reach a higher being that we are right now. Thank you for coming guys."

It struck me at that very moment. The grudge that I hold inside me. The anger that grows on my skin which pops out every single time pressure is applied. And, of course, the regrets that I hold from my past actions. And then, I stopped to ponder, what if I were just to forget and actually let go all this hatred and negative aura around me? I would definitely feel less burdened and this fringe that keeps forming between my eyebrows would be cleared.

So, I sat there. The exact same spot where I was having my over cooked rice, which looked half porridge, with fish sambal and coleslaw. My fingers were still stained with the dried sambal. Yet, I sat there thinking of all the people I had grudges on and the reasons why I had them at the first place. I ended up questioning myself, do these reasons still matter?

In a flash of thought, I felt that it was worthwhile to let go all the anger towards those people I had in mind and the receiver deserves it. But then again, when I started thinking, and asked myself whether was it REALLY worth the time spent? Not one incident could I find that was worth showing my anger to. The consequence was whether the receiver was not bothered to hear what I had to say or it had created a huge scar in a relationship so sacred, you wished you could pull back all words uttered.

Sometimes, we say things we are not supposed to. Maybe not in that nick of time. But, being mere humans at the end of the day, we definitely cannot attain ideality. Even dreams do not show us being perfect, let alone reality. Human frailty is deemed to set in and take place, most of the times. Especially, during unwanted hours. And if we are going to sit back and fret over it, beating ourselves on why such a incident occured, it would not serve any purpose.

Mistakes happen. That is inevitable. Move on. Work towards a channel where consciousness is primary and not selfishness. Only then can these mistakes be carved to a smaller figure. A more manageable figure. A figure which will be under control and not which is in control.

“You don't hit, you try to find a mistake. You have to get in there and constantly battle against him.” - Troy Glaus

M.E.

Can't you like just SHUT UP?? I mean there is one thing to advise a person in the correct manner with the correct words and terms to actually build a solid and reasonable sentence, and another of just bursting out in pissed up tone and a fucking high pitch. What does it actually bring you to? People walking away from you and not listening to whatever crap you  are uttering about. The reason, you ask? Its pure ridicule bullshit. Exactly, RIDICULED BULLSHIT. That's what it is. So what if she has to call the same person 3 bloody times to make sure of an adoption? If you find it just too bloody rude, then its HER FUCKING PROBLEM! PISS OFF! She is old enough to know what is right for her and what is not. It is high time to learn from her errors and is definitely high time for her to do things HERSELF!


 Your world revolves with this man. Whom I really don't know till today. I don't know why he acts that way, I don't know what he does, heck I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. He aint giving a damn about me...SO WHAT? His love and life lives miles away from where he is at the moment. And obviously, he has kept his priorities somewhat with much recklessness. And through this same reckless man, who has ignored, taunted and jeered at you for the past 25 years (silver jubilee, some say), you are still blaming yourself for the wrongs that he has done? Now, where is the logic in that? Knowing that it is not true, yet it is a little too late to pull yourself out because you seemed to have drowned yourself into this delusion of, may I quote, " dumbness and stupidity with that much of intelligence". And when she tries her level best to shed light upon this darkness of yours, you shut that little rays of shine that make its way through, encouraging yourself that she aint worth listening to.


At one hand she is told to think for herself because she knows what is right and wrong. The moment she actually attempts that independence of thinking, bars to freedom is suddenly arisen out of nowhere and she is thrown back to that same small, rotting, stenched and horrified box (oh believe me. you wish you weren't there). At one hand, she is told about how fine it is to actually de-stress with limits and control. The moment she experiences it, tantrums of anger are shown, protruding that a display of embarassment has been showed all because of their bloody parameters of intelligence! Judgement A for person B going through case C. But, Judgement Y for person Z going through case C. Typical cases but different judgement for different people? Would anyone in their right state of mind explain the justifying of this?? Because, I can't comprehend it from which ever angle I look at it.



Thus, I am done of helping. I am sick of taking the trouble to shed tears when I see you at your lowest end. I hate knowing how you feel just by your look and knowing how you would react at certain issues. I hate knowing your likes and dislikes. I hate working up for your expectation. I hate trying to make you happy. I am fed up of trying not to make you feel left out. I am tired of making you understand the better side of life and talking to you about nothing, yet laugh about it. Because you would just use it against me - somehow. I hate living for you. I want to live my life my way. Immaterial with or without your approval. Barriers up, gaps created, silence endorsed.


“I've never said 'why me?'. That's life. I try to keep a positive attitude. If you start feeling sorry for yourself, that's when it gets bad.” - Rick Schwartz

Just Another Year

Disgust, indignation, and strong aversion of antipathy, crept in to the very depth of my soul as I continued watching the CNN news broadcasting about acid throwing victims concentrated mainly in India. The attractive, upwardly mobile woman whom once resided in Bangalore, India with everything going in her track until 1999, when she turned her former boss' marriage proposal down. And as soughting revenge, he poured 2 litres of concentrated hydrochloric acid over her body.

Mere 19 year old, Haseena Hussain has since then joined the Campaign and Struggle Against Acid Attacks on Women (CSAAAW) to fight the surge of acid violence against women. In this 21st Century, women are STILL the center to "sought revenge" on to. Could ego have so much of weight hence, revenge is the only way to defend a man's dignity? How low can we humans go?

In Northern Ireland, schools are segregated based on denominations of the Christian faith. And after centuries of conflict amongst the Christians, only now has it come to the senses of the Anglican Archbishop of a possibility of having Catholic-Anglican schools together as one. Thus, it continues. The basic fight of unity amongst people originating from the same faith. Isn't it enough of the immense fights that take place amongst different faiths already?

PETA has yet to kick some consideration of humanity into Canadians as their campaign to end the Canadian Seal Slaughter that take place during the Vancouver Olympic Games annually. The very addiction to an overall demand of fur is the only thing that keeps these fur trade industries do what they are absolutely passionate about - clubbing baby seals, beating dogs to death for their meat, make great white sharks die a slow death for their fins, and skin crocs alive. This overrated price of feeding greed is paid by the seals being hooked in the eye, cheek or mouth, alive. And why specifically these 3 spots? Because, if they would kill these seals in a more humane way, their fur would be damaged. Which would then result in a lower quality of skin-made coat, thus affecting commercially.

The suffering and atrocity of this act does not end there. These seals, half alive, are then dragged across the ice. Their blood smearing all along the way. The thought of actually just scarring your wrist would create nightmares. What about being maliciously dragged on thick, dry, cold ice, bleeding all the way through? These seals would not have even had their first solid meal or first swim before they are slaughtered for their skin.

On another page, nowadays, the basic importance of the life of a human being is decreased to a level where there is a choice to actually end it now, instead of waiting for death to desecrate us. So much so, whatever choice made by an individual, how immensely ridiculous it may seem, it still is a preferance to result to than enjoying the opportunity of life given to us in a silver plater.

Kevil Neil Whitrick left behind his twins and loving wife when he was inspired to suicide and actually did so in front of his webcam in Justin.TV. It was the "insult" chatroom where people "have a go at each other". He punched a hole in his ceiling and tied a rope around a joist and around himself and then stepped out off a chair. As it was a live show, some viewers thought it was a prank, until his face started turning blue. Some of them in the chatroom egged him on while others desperately tried to find his address. A sensible member in the room contacted the police but they were too late. He was pronounced dead at 11.15 pm. He was found hanging in his room, with a pale blue face, simply, dead.
 
My Angel could not decipher the catastrophy that was taking place in Korea when she sighed and said, "Same people, from the same country. How can they still fight knowing that they belong from the same place?" Tensions flared in crossfire between North and South Korea on January 27 2010 during the fight talk contest. I did not know how to decipher to this 52 year old civilian that times have now changed. Things are not the same as it was 10 years ago. People of our species are more segregated with the elite groups thinking that they have the world in their hands while the not so well-to-do groups are of the opinion that they represent the minority of the society and have no space to voice out.

But, the fact is that these elite groups consist only 30% of the population or lesser. The remaining revolve from the well-to-do and below. Not only does money separate the people but, the hold on to an ancient 1950 history of war brings nothing but more misunderstanding. There is still room for a restart. For a revolution to start anew and abolish segregation of the society originating from the same coutry, same race, same people. Cut yourselves if you do not believe me. How different is the colour of your blood from your neighbour? As Mary Bonauto states : All citizens are born free and equal, thus subject to equality all around.

Ignorance has crept and divulged into the very depth of our souls, overcoming every other sensible reactions or emotions of humanity, which when adhered to seems more reasonable. This discrepancy, led as many as 20 people, to stand watching a group of young men rape a 15 year old outside a California high school after the 2009 homecoming dance on a Saturday night. Would anyone in their right state of mind actually stand and watch a beast rampaging a child on the streets? The story is a whole different view if the victim was a relation to any of the bystanders.

Ask yourselves this, if you were human in any - ANY sense of the word, would you just overlook a rape when your loved one is the victim? This case is the perfect example of us people at the end of the day - whom we choose to represent amongst the society. The people who exercised their responsibility as citizens of justice and dialled 911 in time to save the life of this innocent child, or are we mere spectators of the very indignation of remaining morals that base the foundation of our growth for the future generation?
 
With the very inferiority of women's dignity, fights erupting amongst people from the one strong religion of peace and love, animal abuse on the rise, the lives of men laying in their own hands where their time of death is carved by themselves, people of the same country creating a border between themselves, separating mothers from their sons and brothers from their sisters for years, to the point of turning a blind eye to a crime. 2010 is just another year where negative element of human beings are embraced, burying the very essence of humanity.

It was a wise man who said that there is no greater inequality than the equal treatment of unequals - Felix Frankfurter

I guess I was wrong

My heart seems to feel heavier,
This wound that had been hidden all this while,
Is coming up to the surface once again,
This same wound that was always thrown a blanket over,
So that only that shiny silk cloth is shown,
And the loathing sight of the gash is kept under,
That same blanket is now slowly being dragged,
Inch by inch,
Uncovering what was supposed to be treated ago,
But now has cultivated bacteria,
With fungi grown, morel seeping through, yeasts creating a home of its own,
Sucking every ounce of blood available from this hulk.

Living a life differently from others,
Is that wrong?
Making mistakes at times and asking forgiveness later,
Is that wrong?
Being genuine in words and action,
Is that wrong?
Feeling something so pure, when once let go, it shatters,
Is that wrong?
Wanting to feel warmth, even for a few minutes,
Is that wrong?
The need to spread love and support without being doubted,
Is that wrong?

Then why ask??
Why ponder?
Why doubt?
Why hesitate?
Why reject?

I knew humans were so complicated,
I knew there would be no way to bring a change,
Even the slightest,
The least pressure applied will be forced out by them,
I knew that any slight closure will bring only hurt and regret,
I knew every single moment spent will be wasted at the end of the day,
Knowing that there will be nil benefit either way,
Yet I held on,
I held on to the hope that there is some light out there,
Some soul with a little practicality,
Or just some common sense,
I thought there was,
I guess I was wrong.