I yearned for a sip
of Carlsberg to quench my prolonged alcoholic thirst; the nicotine addict
inside bellowed for a drag of tobacco and a Linkin Park concert took place
inside my head with one of their best : Crawling. It was just then Mr Hyde
started to speak,
'Why are you even
bothered doing all these..? You don't need to adhere to their orders, you can
just leave, return home and do what everybody else does. You are not even happy
being here! You are not different; you are not unique; you force yourself to
think that you are but you are not! Go home, you will NEVER make it here'
Negativity
overwhelmed my conscience and drained my energy resulting in dragging my feet
every inch I walked. An enormous list of numbers to call and arrange
appointments was to be completed by the end of the day; I've yet started
grinding my teeth on.
"KDD, no matter
what you say or she does will not work with her energy like this! Jane,
I've been patient with you and been putting effort to understand what's wrong
but you've pushed too far!"
The walls constructed
around me started to crack piece by piece. I shook my head conveying that
nothing's wrong which I obviously failed in miserably.
"Grow up, Jane!
You need to tell us what's wrong. If you're not helping yourself, at least help
us. We can't do this without you being present with the right
energy. We have never had this opportunity and let's make the best of it for us all!"
I was blatantly told
that my existence was a deemed necessity toward another person's success. Never
have I felt as pertinent as I did in that few seconds when those words were
uttered. It was at that moment when the Great Wall of Jane built around me
crashed down and the cork was pulled off the Ganges River of tears, flowing
freely on my cheeks.
To have an idol who
is at a success stage I'd imagine to reach at 30 told me that she needs me in
her team! It was as if my job application for the CEO position in Google was
accepted at first interview. When someone from that caliber tells you that you
are needed for her team and without you the show will not run, suddenly
everything great you thought of yourself which was told otherwise becomes
alive.
It was just then I
realized that everyone has their affirmative and negative personalities.
Neither disappears, it's just which one is dominating. If no effort is put on
managing them, the negative side dominates automatically. Hence, the question is
how tight is Mr Hyde leashed? It was an acceptance ordeal I was forcibly
put in to wake me up and remind me to tighten it before it takes complete control.
In the social jungle
of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of
identity - Erik Erikson
