Finding the Balance

I yearned for a sip of Carlsberg to quench my prolonged alcoholic thirst; the nicotine addict inside bellowed for a drag of tobacco and a Linkin Park concert took place inside my head with one of their best : Crawling. It was just then Mr Hyde started to speak,

'Why are you even bothered doing all these..? You don't need to adhere to their orders, you can just leave, return home and do what everybody else does. You are not even happy being here! You are not different; you are not unique; you force yourself to think that you are but you are not! Go home, you will NEVER make it here'

Negativity overwhelmed my conscience and drained my energy resulting in dragging my feet every inch I walked. An enormous list of numbers to call and arrange appointments was to be completed by the end of the day; I've yet started grinding my teeth on.

"KDD, no matter what you say or she does will not work with her energy like this! Jane, I've been patient with you and been putting effort to understand what's wrong but you've pushed too far!"

The walls constructed around me started to crack piece by piece. I shook my head conveying that nothing's wrong which I obviously failed in miserably.

"Grow up, Jane! You need to tell us what's wrong. If you're not helping yourself, at least help us. We can't do this without you being present with the right energy. We have never had this opportunity and let's make the best of it for us all!"

I was blatantly told that my existence was a deemed necessity toward another person's success. Never have I felt as pertinent as I did in that few seconds when those words were uttered. It was at that moment when the Great Wall of Jane built around me crashed down and the cork was pulled off the Ganges River of tears, flowing freely on my cheeks.

To have an idol who is at a success stage I'd imagine to reach at 30 told me that she needs me in her team! It was as if my job application for the CEO position in Google was accepted at first interview. When someone from that caliber tells you that you are needed for her team and without you the show will not run, suddenly everything great you thought of yourself which was told otherwise becomes alive.

It was just then I realized that everyone has their affirmative and negative personalities. Neither disappears, it's just which one is dominating. If no effort is put on managing them, the negative side dominates automatically. Hence, the question is how tight is Mr Hyde leashed? It was an acceptance ordeal I was forcibly put in to wake me up and remind me to tighten it before it takes complete control.

In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity - Erik Erikson