In Love with a Boy

"Morningggggggggggg....!!!"

I had always loved to watch him sleep - that was the only point in time he looks calm and I can feast my eyes on his tranquility - though momentarily. I childishly tapped on his nose.

"Urm..? Yaaa bebbb...?"

"It's morning! Wakey wakey, another new day; a brand new start!"

I whooped and drew the curtains apart, allowing the sun ray to beam through the glass and activate my sleepy skin cells. He clutched the blanket over his face signalling more sleep. I held his arm and gave it a good jiggle which, in Win's case, never made an impact - ever.

"Beb, you shower first then wake me, please..", he mumbled through the worn out duvet.

A national marathon was taking place a week later and today was the first day for the runners to collect their running kit. Q being the Silver Sponsors gives us a fantastic leverage to exponentially expand our database - a propel in tapping the Malaysian market. Thrilled, I hopped off bed and dashed to the washroom to physically cleanse myself from an 8 hour contamination.

By the time I was done, Win was fiddling with his phone and the room atmosphere was soaked in a bittersweet smell; so dense that a blind man would naturally convey Win was present.

"Sweetheart, get your butt into the washroom now before we're late", I stomped.

"Oh, really.. You like it that much, uh..?" he teased. I rolled my eyes and threw a towel at him.

We left for a typical Chinese breakfast and headed toward the city that never sleeps - Kuala Lumpur. That particular Sunday was jam packed with talking to numerous strangers and clicking away on our iPads and phones. My latest idea: survey deemed an effective method to reach the mass which worked out as a brilliant ice breaker with strangers.

Upon reaching home and getting comfortable in our PJs, we unscrewed a JD,  got my 2L Heineken and kick started our night. "Happy Death Day" is not particularly a romantic choice but I am always up for a nice horror flick. We were both tipsy by the end of the movie and all set for one thing - hit the sack for a long sleepless night without an alarm set for the next morning!

As I tucked myself under the sheets, his exasperating snores filled the silence of the night; that familiar bittersweet smell occupied the air and the heat from his body instigated my sweat pores to perspire. The bed sheets were ravaged with his body tossing and turning when all of a sudden, I felt his right arm on my waist. Without any hesitation, I held his wrist and pulled it around me as he dragged my body toward his chest. I felt his warm hard breath on the back of my neck and his heart beating steadily tumultuous against my back.

As I turned around to face him, I placed my hand on his chest and said, "Honey, your heart is beating so hard..", and despite several attempts of the blanket coming in between us, my face ultimately reached his cheeks and my senses were in-suppressible from then on. My lips met his left cheek and immediately kissed it, carrying on to licking and nibbling his left earlobe.

"Beb, don't get me horny now", he warned as I continued my love making - disregarding his protest. As I cupped his face in my left palm, my lips met his and he pinned me down on the bed, forcing his tongue into my mouth and a twist of French kissing took place for a good 2 minutes. His tongue was so long, hard and forceful - a passion which I was yearning for long now.

"Win, I love you..".

In this very instant, I had to stop blogging and take a short coffee break. I meant those words I said, and now reading it back to myself - it seems so unbelievable.

"I love you too, babe..", I continued showering him with kisses as he spoke - his eyes, eyebrows, nose, chin, cheeks, neck and finally going down to his nipples. I took one nipple in between my teeth, pulling it toward me. He tasted sweet, like ripe cherries I had tasted once in U.K. This only expedited his lust and he pulled my shirt off exposing my apple shaped breasts. Without lingerie, they sit lower, more natural, less close together, perfect and moulded to my form. As he was on top of me, my eyes glittered darkly as he looked down on my pair of babies, the areola surrounding the nipples a deep dusky brown, the nipples dark and swollen, like two ripe berries waiting to be tasted. He did not linger too long, just enough for him to see how beautiful I am and feasted on them one by one to his fullest satisfaction.

We did not have sex that night - which I am most appreciated of. I was so in love with this boy for the past 8 months and I didn't know the depth of it until that night.

"Oh babe, you're so sexy..", he conveyed as he drew me backwards toward his body and we ended up spooning each other for the remaining night.

You are magnificent beyond measure, perfect in your imperfections and wonderfully made - Abiola Abrams

Adapt, Adjust and Accommodate

"Yeah, so smart of you.. Sometimes you don't realize your chain of command. Why can't you consult with us before you make the call? Are you the only one staying in the house?? If you know I'm staying there during the 2 days, why couldn't you ask me first? So inconsiderate!"

That was when I felt my heart beat increasing as my world trembled.

"Did you reconfirm back before you said yes ?? Hello, I was bloody beside when he called and you just replied: Yes. And I said to consult TM first. In future, consult with all of us before you make the call. Because I bloody pay also and he is not renting one room to you only!"

This was when I felt my world crashing down on me. It's not the fact that he said it - it's quite expected from his background and mentality which I have gathered past 8 months under the same roof. It's the fact that a "Home" which I was introduced to since birth, did not give me a pleasant experience neither was I at peace staying in. And by leaving it to another I falsely gave myself an impression that doing so will help sort the issue - apparently not.

The term "running away" from your problems was never a solution. In seeking answers to solving challenges, no motivational book or self help authors will ever suggest this. However, in life it seems such an easy and quick fix and before you know it you're back in the same situation, but different place.

"Jane, this is all for us to learn. This is all about communication. So, I feel it is something for both you & I to learn. You can't just keep running away from 1 house to another thinking it's a solution to all your problems. I mean, think about it. Why from your same house situation you are facing the same thing. Something is not right with the way you're handling the issue at hand. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE PERSON; IT'S ABOUT THE ISSUE AT HAND".

At a moment when you feel everything is your fault and you cannot talk to anyone on how you feel, you become so breathless that you start choking. You start gasping for air and you realize there is no point of doing so because no one is waiting for you anyways - so you start crying asking God: Why I am here? What the fuck do you want me to learn? What the fuck am I meant to do..? Can't you see that your child is being hurt so much and being pushed to a corner that she feels so helpless? Are you happy you've placed her in such a situation..?

Despite it makes much sense what Mickey messaged overlooking what's happened, it was very hard to swallow at that moment. Though it has been the next day now that I'm writing this, I haven't had my head around this to find out its whats and whys.

I woke around 2 in the afternoon, hoping sleeping will magically make my thoughts go away - which of course did not. I could not bear speaking to anyone as I was feeling too hurt inside. Throwing my blanket off me, I dragged myself into the next room washroom after peeping if he was at home - coast clear! Cleaned myself and had a random thought to find myself again.

I googled the nearest forest in Kuantan, wazed it and in lesser than an hour reached. The sound of crickets chirping, the rustle of leaves and the smell of damp soil seeped into the depths of my soul. I was awed by the never disappointing beauty of Mother Nature and started my walk into the woods: pushing away leaves clearing my path, holding my life onto 4cm thick manila ropes as I climbed over huge rocks and slid down slippery muddy tracks, a Hello! greeting every now and then when paths of 2 hikers crossed and singing my heart out to "Lost Stars" by Adam Levine when no one is seen on my track.

The woods secluded me from the rest of the world. I’m on my own with nobody else in sight, just Mother Nature and me. I was able to connect with myself and realized few things: I am not as fearless as I used to be and gave priority to others' thoughts and opinions than my own. I realized that I am not perfect and I make mistakes - well that's what makes us human. The difference between one human and another is what step is taken post these mistakes: to be sharper and better or remain the same. I choose the former because I believe my faith in God that he has plans for me and every situation and every person in this current time is placed for a reason. I choose to increase that faith in Him and grow as a person to manage upcoming situations maturely instead of emotionally driven.

Staying the same means going backwards - Roger Federer

Finding the Balance

I yearned for a sip of Carlsberg to quench my prolonged alcoholic thirst; the nicotine addict inside bellowed for a drag of tobacco and a Linkin Park concert took place inside my head with one of their best : Crawling. It was just then Mr Hyde started to speak,

'Why are you even bothered doing all these..? You don't need to adhere to their orders, you can just leave, return home and do what everybody else does. You are not even happy being here! You are not different; you are not unique; you force yourself to think that you are but you are not! Go home, you will NEVER make it here'

Negativity overwhelmed my conscience and drained my energy resulting in dragging my feet every inch I walked. An enormous list of numbers to call and arrange appointments was to be completed by the end of the day; I've yet started grinding my teeth on.

"KDD, no matter what you say or she does will not work with her energy like this! Jane, I've been patient with you and been putting effort to understand what's wrong but you've pushed too far!"

The walls constructed around me started to crack piece by piece. I shook my head conveying that nothing's wrong which I obviously failed in miserably.

"Grow up, Jane! You need to tell us what's wrong. If you're not helping yourself, at least help us. We can't do this without you being present with the right energy. We have never had this opportunity and let's make the best of it for us all!"

I was blatantly told that my existence was a deemed necessity toward another person's success. Never have I felt as pertinent as I did in that few seconds when those words were uttered. It was at that moment when the Great Wall of Jane built around me crashed down and the cork was pulled off the Ganges River of tears, flowing freely on my cheeks.

To have an idol who is at a success stage I'd imagine to reach at 30 told me that she needs me in her team! It was as if my job application for the CEO position in Google was accepted at first interview. When someone from that caliber tells you that you are needed for her team and without you the show will not run, suddenly everything great you thought of yourself which was told otherwise becomes alive.

It was just then I realized that everyone has their affirmative and negative personalities. Neither disappears, it's just which one is dominating. If no effort is put on managing them, the negative side dominates automatically. Hence, the question is how tight is Mr Hyde leashed? It was an acceptance ordeal I was forcibly put in to wake me up and remind me to tighten it before it takes complete control.

In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity - Erik Erikson