Constant and Variable

Something died in me today. Something undefiled and gullible had been reduced to ashes.

I had faith; a faith that mankind had a precious gift whereby it connected each other in a beautiful relationship. Be it friendship, workmates, familial to strangers we meet today, we had a God given bond that brought us all together if only tapped into and willingly consenting vice versa. When bonded in that connection it somehow brought us a step closer to our individual purpose and elevating ourselves closer to our Creator.

"I have to leave anyways. I did not plan anything for tonight but they are insisting for me to be there as the CEO is attending. Our session was great by the way - no regrets"
"I am going nuts here - why aren't you answering my calls? Are you with him? Never talk to me again, Jane"
"It was all my fault Jane. I did it all because of ego. I knew you will become a success in everything you do and I know it was not going to be easy for me. So I couldn't continue this friendship anymore. Trust me it was as hard for me as it was for you"
"I haven't felt this for the longest time and I am so happy. My parents have arranged my marriage, will you be alright if I agreed?"
"Why are you being so ungrateful? Just forget the money she took from you and start anew relationship with my niece"
"If you can arrange the RM30,000 by morning the car is yours. Otherwise, I'll need to go with the buyer your sister has arranged for me"
"Why are you being so sensitive? It's business"

Do you need more evidence? Looking back, numerous incidences took place. Majority were strength building experiences which the thought of it make my eyebrows frown, handful were happy, truly happy experiences till date still consign to oblivion. Throughout these times, there were constants and there were variables - allow me to explain.

We were taught to place importance on fellow brethren than materialistic objects which does not add value to your life. You only find the truth when you are out on the battlefield - struggling to breathe and using every ounce of remaining energy to find the nearest handle to hold on to avoid being stampeded by the crowd. Every person you met was another opportunity to substantiate that faith and when you get slammed down, drag yourself up, dust off and try again.

'That was a bad experience - better days ahead'
'He's a jerk - no wonder he's a loser'
'She is so immature, I'm sure I can find better friends'
'She is a thief. There are others out there who'd value me for who I am'

Convincing yourself it was an isolated incident you allow yourself to be punched, slapped, thrashed over and over again till you are in the present moment and like an overused battery, your bar of faith is running dry. It suddenly dawns on you that humans are in fact, replaceable. The variables were people who walked in and out of your life leaving scars and destroying your innocence which actually depreciated your value as a human being. The constants, surprisingly was the house you live in, your dog, laptop, your bright yellow Myvi, and everything existing around you that does not have a conscience which in fact, appreciated your value as a human being.

Now, you ask: should you build relationship with human beings or materialistic beings? Life is an experiment; tests that we subconsciously exercise on each other to see whether one falls as a constant without conscience or a variable with. So, which are you?

I will never apologize for saying that the future of humanity and the future of the world is going to be defined by what we have in common as opposed to those things that separate us and ultimately lead us into conflict - Barack Obama

The Pursuit of Happiness

It is the single emotion of great pleasure; some interpret it as miracle happenings in life, a rush of feeling caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying while some find it a keen pleasure or elation.

A rush of excitement discovering the unknown song ringing in my head all day. The adrenaline rush that takes over when I plug in earphones and envision being on stage with an electric guitar in my arms, rocking the crowd alive! When home alone, the comfort knowing my iTunes song compilation will keep company throughout the lonesome night.

The excitement upon discovering a blog post from another classmate about his break up - hot from the oven news to gossip about. The bursts of laughter that follows up when a junior student makes a total fool out of himself. Rumors that the Public Law lecturer is dating the Common Law lecturer. Following this, a detailed 2 week Facebook investigation on their photos together and every plausible explanation of each shot. They say curiosity kills the cat, hell, satisfaction brought it back! The way my legs automatically become enlightened the very second the lecturer says, "Alright, let’s wrap it up for the day".

From the most dramatic events of adultery and poking fun on others' unfortunate events, to the slightest gossips on who's wearing what and who's doing who, keeps ones' day going with much humorous-sarcasm. Of course, all of the other little fixation ie the certain tingling feeling I get stepping on dried leaves, the sound of it being crunched and petrol fumes absorbing into my nostrils, getting a whiff of it activates the release of endorphins. 

Others interpret joy as a source of keen pleasure or delight. Something or someone greatly valued or appreciated. When you wake up in the morning to see the love of your life sleeping soundly, right next to you. To place your head on their chest and feel their heartbeat and legs entwined with each other exchanging body heat keeping warm. To kiss their lips and know that is the very same lips you're going to kiss for the rest of your life. 

How the morning breeze can make my day in a single long, deep, breath of it. The sun beating down my skin absorbing its vitamin E, the gentle heat giving me a boost of energy to start anew. To place my feet on the cold ground and say, "Yes! It’s another great day!". And upon reaching the kitchen, the smell of freshly brewed coffee breathing into my nostrils and to my expectation, a hot cuppa coffee waiting for me to be enriched with.

To hear gratitude reply of "Thank you" the moment I place a bundle of submission on your boss' desk after a long 3 long day work on it. To receive text message that reads, "Another cheers to Jane! Keep up your work, you are reaching your goal!" which just keeps me going for the next few days. Some find joy in that adrenaline rush. The very rush that you are sure you are working hard for the right reasons and making a difference in someone's life.

Throwing on a sweat shirt, muscling into the skin fitting running tights and slipping into a pair of  Nike Zoom Pegasus Turbo entices the focus and anticipation of struggle and upcoming pain with much joy of achieving the final goal of stamina and strength. I can feel my whole body working; body muscles contracting warm, gut-wrenching and heart pumping harder. After several thrusts forward, my legs became tired yet I keep pushing as the struggle now is worthwhile the happiness overcoming it.

Some find joy in food. The moment the dish is served on the table is an expression of joy, a glad feeling. Some see having desserts as a festive gaiety. To allocate an hour after dinner on a Tuesday night to enjoy a glass of vanilla milkshake, banana boat and a chocolate-butter waffle, just to satisfy the sweet tooth.

Riding on a Honda EX5 at the weight of 78 kgs with another at 67 kgs riding the pillion putting a 3 way traffic at halt as we dawdle across with thrumming engine struggling to pull through our weights. As thoughts flash back to my early high school days, the top row of my teeth peek through a faint curve to the lips moving the cheeks upward showing crease below the eyes, protruding a sign of bliss to anyone witnessing.

As Elmo wakes from his slumber he shabbily trots across the hall within 10 steps before falling flat on his belly lounging playfully with no care in the world - which really is a fact. Trudging on bent knee toward him, I bury my face on his 4 inch thick sweet smelling golden brown fur instantaneously wallowing all my worries away. This 11 year old Russian born Pekignese never fails to carve a smile to my face just by existing.

Whilst some find joy in their very state of happiness. The very fact that they have a place to return to at night, the choice to have a hot teh-tarik at the struck of midnight. The solid expectation that there is some financial returns at the end of the month, immaterial how meager. A sense of belonging to a family, a church group, college mates, the soccer team, colleagues from workplace, or even just a few close friends. The very current state of concurrency is a certain joy by some.

No matter what your definition of happiness is, at the end of the day when your head rests on that pillow with much gratitude with what you have, with no regrets of the past and much enthusiasm for the future, you know you are heading on the right track.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened - Dr Seuss

A New You

Make it something big - that's where my life is heading to at the moment. I have tons of ideas in my head to implement and soon enough would propel for the whole world to hear and witness. One of them was getting back on blogging, hence here I am! 

Exactly one year ago was my last post. Reading them now shows the major state of confusion I was in. Considering the circumstances, anyone would have felt the same or attempted similar. I have not mustered the strength to let that part of my past go. It still haunts me daily; in making new friends, meeting people, trusting, taking the leap of faith in anything I do. Despite the known fact that FEAR = false evidence appearing real, it is much easier said than done. It is really a daily effort; little steps taken toward growing stronger mentally and emotionally then suddenly without realizing you have shed off the old skin, overcome the huddle and a new you is created. 

Everyday is a new day, and you'll never be able to find happiness if you don't move on - Carrie Underwood

An Impasse

There are two regrets in my life at the moment.

On any circumstances, I never heed regrets; on the contrary I am against it. I believe that everything happened - good or bad, had a reason to. Hence, I never took to heart how regret was meant to feel.

However, tonight I full-heartedly regret 2 occasions that happened in the past. I honestly wish I could take back time and flip the coins on those fateful days.

First Regret : Kartheek saving me from my attempt of committing suicide
Second Regret : Me making promises to him and my best friend, Raji that I will not attempt it again

The point in my life that I am right now, is the worst than I could ask for.

Rise, My Dear Warriors!

The world is condoned to a mindset: the expectation and acceptance of an absurd pretence appearing pleasant and respectable.

People dawdle their everyday caged in their own environment; like prisoners in their own fucking cage. They are their own key holder, but ironically have locked themselves in and disposed it.

"Yes, I am in prison now - just like the rest! Yay!!"

Pride attracts other "inmates" into their prison territory and their natural instinct is to start comparing each other's enclaves,

"I've got Cage A"

"Hey I've just upgraded mine to Cage B from C"

"I've got the new rank: Golden Cage!"

It's one of a kind the Golden Cage onward. There's also a career ladder one climbs up from Silver, Gold, Sapphire, Platinum to Diamond and Blue Diamond to top the list. Cooped in their cages, they embark out of their jurisdictions to mingle with fellow colony to strut and swank an achievement to no avail but chocolate cake to one's ego.

Like flying pigs, someone walks past them: someone like you - without a cage. Appalled, they retaliate by clamouring in utter profanities creating a false impression of you as an imbecile in your fallacious appearance just because you don't own a cage. Absolutely ignorant of the fact that they are in a cage - limited by their own boundaries set whilst you are free unreservedly.

The world is so condoned to the prisoner mindset: so obsessed in advancing the wooden cage to a metal, iron, then bronze, silver, gold, sapphire, platinum eventually diamond. Utterly engrossed in such promotion yet oblivious to the fact that they are living a life of pure materialism and nugatory.

Can you relate such in reality? A typical family has cars - locked up in their garage, houses - secured in a domain of fence and padlocks, wives, husbands and children - curfew to get back to the enormous monkey cages prepared and every now and then during festive seasons especially, invite guests to be entertained in their exclusive parade of materialism. If this' not what insanity is, then I don't know what else it could be.

The problem is bigger than what it appears to be. The problem is that there are very few of us - people like you and me in the whole world. I feel what we are doing is not enough; we must take a great deal of action to create ridiculously abundant success. Having extended to a generous size of the organization, this will only enhance the capacity of money, influence and people. Once these 3 are on our fingertips, then and only then can we conquer the whole fucking world.

'Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world usually do' - Steve Jobs

In Love with a Boy

"Morningggggggggggg....!!!"

I had always loved to watch him sleep - that was the only point in time he looks calm and I can feast my eyes on his tranquility - though momentarily. I childishly tapped on his nose.

"Urm..? Yaaa bebbb...?"

"It's morning! Wakey wakey, another new day; a brand new start!"

I whooped and drew the curtains apart, allowing the sun ray to beam through the glass and activate my sleepy skin cells. He clutched the blanket over his face signalling more sleep. I held his arm and gave it a good jiggle which, in Win's case, never made an impact - ever.

"Beb, you shower first then wake me, please..", he mumbled through the worn out duvet.

A national marathon was taking place a week later and today was the first day for the runners to collect their running kit. Q being the Silver Sponsors gives us a fantastic leverage to exponentially expand our database - a propel in tapping the Malaysian market. Thrilled, I hopped off bed and dashed to the washroom to physically cleanse myself from an 8 hour contamination.

By the time I was done, Win was fiddling with his phone and the room atmosphere was soaked in a bittersweet smell; so dense that a blind man would naturally convey Win was present.

"Sweetheart, get your butt into the washroom now before we're late", I stomped.

"Oh, really.. You like it that much, uh..?" he teased. I rolled my eyes and threw a towel at him.

We left for a typical Chinese breakfast and headed toward the city that never sleeps - Kuala Lumpur. That particular Sunday was jam packed with talking to numerous strangers and clicking away on our iPads and phones. My latest idea: survey deemed an effective method to reach the mass which worked out as a brilliant ice breaker with strangers.

Upon reaching home and getting comfortable in our PJs, we unscrewed a JD,  got my 2L Heineken and kick started our night. "Happy Death Day" is not particularly a romantic choice but I am always up for a nice horror flick. We were both tipsy by the end of the movie and all set for one thing - hit the sack for a long sleepless night without an alarm set for the next morning!

As I tucked myself under the sheets, his exasperating snores filled the silence of the night; that familiar bittersweet smell occupied the air and the heat from his body instigated my sweat pores to perspire. The bed sheets were ravaged with his body tossing and turning when all of a sudden, I felt his right arm on my waist. Without any hesitation, I held his wrist and pulled it around me as he dragged my body toward his chest. I felt his warm hard breath on the back of my neck and his heart beating steadily tumultuous against my back.

As I turned around to face him, I placed my hand on his chest and said, "Honey, your heart is beating so hard..", and despite several attempts of the blanket coming in between us, my face ultimately reached his cheeks and my senses were in-suppressible from then on. My lips met his left cheek and immediately kissed it, carrying on to licking and nibbling his left earlobe.

"Beb, don't get me horny now", he warned as I continued my love making - disregarding his protest. As I cupped his face in my left palm, my lips met his and he pinned me down on the bed, forcing his tongue into my mouth and a twist of French kissing took place for a good 2 minutes. His tongue was so long, hard and forceful - a passion which I was yearning for long now.

"Win, I love you..".

In this very instant, I had to stop blogging and take a short coffee break. I meant those words I said, and now reading it back to myself - it seems so unbelievable.

"I love you too, babe..", I continued showering him with kisses as he spoke - his eyes, eyebrows, nose, chin, cheeks, neck and finally going down to his nipples. I took one nipple in between my teeth, pulling it toward me. He tasted sweet, like ripe cherries I had tasted once in U.K. This only expedited his lust and he pulled my shirt off exposing my apple shaped breasts. Without lingerie, they sit lower, more natural, less close together, perfect and moulded to my form. As he was on top of me, my eyes glittered darkly as he looked down on my pair of babies, the areola surrounding the nipples a deep dusky brown, the nipples dark and swollen, like two ripe berries waiting to be tasted. He did not linger too long, just enough for him to see how beautiful I am and feasted on them one by one to his fullest satisfaction.

We did not have sex that night - which I am most appreciated of. I was so in love with this boy for the past 8 months and I didn't know the depth of it until that night.

"Oh babe, you're so sexy..", he conveyed as he drew me backwards toward his body and we ended up spooning each other for the remaining night.

You are magnificent beyond measure, perfect in your imperfections and wonderfully made - Abiola Abrams

Adapt, Adjust and Accommodate

"Yeah, so smart of you.. Sometimes you don't realize your chain of command. Why can't you consult with us before you make the call? Are you the only one staying in the house?? If you know I'm staying there during the 2 days, why couldn't you ask me first? So inconsiderate!"

That was when I felt my heart beat increasing as my world trembled.

"Did you reconfirm back before you said yes ?? Hello, I was bloody beside when he called and you just replied: Yes. And I said to consult TM first. In future, consult with all of us before you make the call. Because I bloody pay also and he is not renting one room to you only!"

This was when I felt my world crashing down on me. It's not the fact that he said it - it's quite expected from his background and mentality which I have gathered past 8 months under the same roof. It's the fact that a "Home" which I was introduced to since birth, did not give me a pleasant experience neither was I at peace staying in. And by leaving it to another I falsely gave myself an impression that doing so will help sort the issue - apparently not.

The term "running away" from your problems was never a solution. In seeking answers to solving challenges, no motivational book or self help authors will ever suggest this. However, in life it seems such an easy and quick fix and before you know it you're back in the same situation, but different place.

"Jane, this is all for us to learn. This is all about communication. So, I feel it is something for both you & I to learn. You can't just keep running away from 1 house to another thinking it's a solution to all your problems. I mean, think about it. Why from your same house situation you are facing the same thing. Something is not right with the way you're handling the issue at hand. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE PERSON; IT'S ABOUT THE ISSUE AT HAND".

At a moment when you feel everything is your fault and you cannot talk to anyone on how you feel, you become so breathless that you start choking. You start gasping for air and you realize there is no point of doing so because no one is waiting for you anyways - so you start crying asking God: Why I am here? What the fuck do you want me to learn? What the fuck am I meant to do..? Can't you see that your child is being hurt so much and being pushed to a corner that she feels so helpless? Are you happy you've placed her in such a situation..?

Despite it makes much sense what Mickey messaged overlooking what's happened, it was very hard to swallow at that moment. Though it has been the next day now that I'm writing this, I haven't had my head around this to find out its whats and whys.

I woke around 2 in the afternoon, hoping sleeping will magically make my thoughts go away - which of course did not. I could not bear speaking to anyone as I was feeling too hurt inside. Throwing my blanket off me, I dragged myself into the next room washroom after peeping if he was at home - coast clear! Cleaned myself and had a random thought to find myself again.

I googled the nearest forest in Kuantan, wazed it and in lesser than an hour reached. The sound of crickets chirping, the rustle of leaves and the smell of damp soil seeped into the depths of my soul. I was awed by the never disappointing beauty of Mother Nature and started my walk into the woods: pushing away leaves clearing my path, holding my life onto 4cm thick manila ropes as I climbed over huge rocks and slid down slippery muddy tracks, a Hello! greeting every now and then when paths of 2 hikers crossed and singing my heart out to "Lost Stars" by Adam Levine when no one is seen on my track.

The woods secluded me from the rest of the world. I’m on my own with nobody else in sight, just Mother Nature and me. I was able to connect with myself and realized few things: I am not as fearless as I used to be and gave priority to others' thoughts and opinions than my own. I realized that I am not perfect and I make mistakes - well that's what makes us human. The difference between one human and another is what step is taken post these mistakes: to be sharper and better or remain the same. I choose the former because I believe my faith in God that he has plans for me and every situation and every person in this current time is placed for a reason. I choose to increase that faith in Him and grow as a person to manage upcoming situations maturely instead of emotionally driven.

Staying the same means going backwards - Roger Federer

Finding the Balance

I yearned for a sip of Carlsberg to quench my prolonged alcoholic thirst; the nicotine addict inside bellowed for a drag of tobacco and a Linkin Park concert took place inside my head with one of their best : Crawling. It was just then Mr Hyde started to speak,

'Why are you even bothered doing all these..? You don't need to adhere to their orders, you can just leave, return home and do what everybody else does. You are not even happy being here! You are not different; you are not unique; you force yourself to think that you are but you are not! Go home, you will NEVER make it here'

Negativity overwhelmed my conscience and drained my energy resulting in dragging my feet every inch I walked. An enormous list of numbers to call and arrange appointments was to be completed by the end of the day; I've yet started grinding my teeth on.

"KDD, no matter what you say or she does will not work with her energy like this! Jane, I've been patient with you and been putting effort to understand what's wrong but you've pushed too far!"

The walls constructed around me started to crack piece by piece. I shook my head conveying that nothing's wrong which I obviously failed in miserably.

"Grow up, Jane! You need to tell us what's wrong. If you're not helping yourself, at least help us. We can't do this without you being present with the right energy. We have never had this opportunity and let's make the best of it for us all!"

I was blatantly told that my existence was a deemed necessity toward another person's success. Never have I felt as pertinent as I did in that few seconds when those words were uttered. It was at that moment when the Great Wall of Jane built around me crashed down and the cork was pulled off the Ganges River of tears, flowing freely on my cheeks.

To have an idol who is at a success stage I'd imagine to reach at 30 told me that she needs me in her team! It was as if my job application for the CEO position in Google was accepted at first interview. When someone from that caliber tells you that you are needed for her team and without you the show will not run, suddenly everything great you thought of yourself which was told otherwise becomes alive.

It was just then I realized that everyone has their affirmative and negative personalities. Neither disappears, it's just which one is dominating. If no effort is put on managing them, the negative side dominates automatically. Hence, the question is how tight is Mr Hyde leashed? It was an acceptance ordeal I was forcibly put in to wake me up and remind me to tighten it before it takes complete control.

In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity - Erik Erikson

The Dawn of Detachment

“Dear ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at Kuala Lumpur International Airport. Please ensure to take all of your belongings with you. On behalf of our crew, thank you for choosing Turkish Airlines as your Airline and we hope you had a splendid journey.”

Upon hearing the final announcement, my heart sank into my stomach, which squeezed its way down my leg and popped right out of the hole in my show. It struck the damn carpeted floor and crushed into pieces. My legs suddenly became light, wanting to run towards the cockpit and to request a detour of the flight because I had arrived at the wrong destination.

I could vividly remember the excitement in Prisha’s voice upon knowing that I’m returning home- which is Malaysia, for good.

“We are going to plan trips! We shall have weekend getaways to waterfall picnics! It’s going to be so much fun! All my days of loneliness are over now that you’re back, Janie!”

Prisha was my trump card to a smoother and fun filled return to a place which is supposed to be my “home” but somehow felt strangely foreign. Reluctantly, I dragged my feet out of the 18 metre high Business Class Airbus. (Since it’s my last flight for a long time, why not treat myself to Business Class, eh?). Thoughts were running through my mind, like a hypo-mania episode - thoughts of moving on from the past and picking the scraps of present to build the future.

I eventually found my way to the Immigration Checkpoint. There were 2 lines: one for locals and the other foreigners. I was still contemplating on which side I should go to, until I saw the direction for the Red Passport. I lead my way towards the counter, handed my Passport over for examination and walked through the Checkpoint in a breeze.

The moment I opened my mouth to greet the Immigration Officer; I immediately knew I landed in Malaysia. The lack of English language command with a cold shoulder and unfriendly service  one may receive at KLIA would give an undoubted impression of a bloody halfwit son of gun, whose job’s to stamp some unknown papers and wait till it turns 5.30pm to rush back home where he continues being a bloody halfwit son of gun.

I looked outside the 22 feet paned windows, up towards the sky and asked God (if any),

Seriously?? Is this what you made me come back to?

Disheartened, I trailed my roller bag behind me and continued walking towards the airport main entrance. Throughout the journey, I refused to look up or at anyone. I did not like the faces I saw and I did not like the place I was at. It was not welcoming like how it used to be; it was not as friendly as where I came from; and I feel that I don’t belong.

There's nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. Nelson Mandela.

The Guilt Conscience

The smell of dry wood absorbs through my nostrils, awakening my sleepy senses. The expected sound of alarm which would usually follow through is not part of today's routine. My heavy eyelids reluctantly forces itself to open, embracing the ray of sunlight shining through the curtain drawn windows. I stretch my arms away from each other, flexing my muscles as I press on my knuckles, loosening its joints. I grabbled at the windowsill, looking for that 4.87 inch electronic gadget; my confidant and convoy in challenging situations.

This iPhone requires you to key in the Password to unlock
"0000". So much for a password.

No Miss Calls. Well, that ain't no surprise now, is it?
WhatsApp: *no messages*
Viber: *no messages*
Skype: *no messages* / *no miss calls*
I wonder; if I went missing last night, would anyone have noticed?

Tossing it at the side of the bed, I scrambled to my feet, dragging myself out of the red silky soft bed linen which was wrapped around my body the past night. I headed straight for the bathroom with my towel thrown around my neck and came to realize that I was clothed only in my tank top and bikini underwear.

I suppose that's the pros for waking up early. Everyone else is still asleep!

Upon locking the bathroom door, I stripped naked and threw myself into an hour long hot shower. There is nothing in the world that cannot be fixed with a hot shower gushing on your head, flowing down your shoulders, the heat massaging the pelvis and finally moisturising the feet. Especially, after a long well deserved 9 hour sleep, it would seem as if paradise found its way back to Earth and it's here in the very comfort of your home. It was just then I remembered my prearranged meeting with Rizwans' house mate - Uddin.

My heart skipped a beat thinking about it. Not only have I been sloughing through the past 5 weeks with my nose buried in my books, but this week in particular has been the toughest ever. The 3 centralised papers which I re-sat for was far beyond manageable. I knew for a fact that was not my best performance, despite much consolences from fellow mates. When I walked out of that exam hall, I knew I was not going to be a certified Barrister, at least not for the year 2014. My heart dreaded thinking about it and my shoulders felt heavy at once. I wanted to speak to someone about how I felt and just fret about it without any questions about my future and without any condolences. I wanted to speak to a friend. Uddin was at the right place and the right time - or so I thought.

I was the only one, in my circle of friends, whom had papers to repeat. After the main examination, almost everyone headed home; back to their respective countries. Hence, after my resit examinations, I had no one to "celebrate" with. My only resort was Kartheek and since he seemed to be occupied with his mates in London, I resorted to the next best available: Uddin.

I dressed up in a jiffy and dropped him a message confirming the time to meet up. I headed downstairs to a cup of coffee. The one and only way to kick start my day: a cup of hot strong coffee accompanied with a stick of Marlboro Light cigarette. I raced back up with the cup in one hand and a bottle of water in the other, hoping to have had a reply by now.

WhatsApp: *no messages*

Apparently, the message that I sent has not been read either. I decided to give him a call if I do not receive a reply once I'm done with my morning prayer. Just as I was about to tap my cigarette off, the phone rings.

"Hello?"
"Mmmm....morning!", Uddin exclaims between yawns.
"Hey, morning. What time do you want me to come over?"
"Anytime. Are you ready?"
"Yes!", I quickly jumped, feeling like a foolish schoolgirl having a crush on a senior.
"Haha...then come over! I'm sorry I can't pick you up because my car's under repair".
"No...no...that's fine, really. Hey, I need to speak to you about something important. Something I've been wanting to talk to someone about. It may be a little depressing, though. Are you fine with that?"
"Don't worry, that's fine. Just come over. Give the door a knock when you're here. I'll come down".

Excitement overcame my senses. I finally have someone to spend time with, someone to talk to, someone to smoke weed with. This is going to be a start of something new and fun. I finally found a friend.

I got off the bus at the stop opposite Lick n' Chicken. It is literally a 3 minute walk from there to his house. Upon reaching, I could see that he was anxiously waiting at the door for me. The sight of me instantaneously carved a wide, bright ear-to-ear smile on his face. I responded with a huge wave of my arms, slapping myself for an immature childish reaction. He chuckled as I strode past him into house. We headed straight for his room and I could see that he had already made the atmosphere ready for a smoking up session. The speakers were plugged to the laptop, songs were carefully selected in his playlist, roll ups, filters and a grinder spread across the bed. The bed stand had some bananas, a juice box, an unopened packet of muffins and a half-completed meal plate on it. The sound of the door creaking disrupted my investigative mind.

"Look what I've got!"

He had 3 bags of weed. 2 for me to take home and one for us to smoke now. I cheekily smiled and clapped, giving a sheepish "Yay!". I wish I would not do that. I wasted no time and started grinding away one bag as he prepared its roach. I then took the nearest hard paper and tossed the ground leaves with tobacco - mixing them proportionately so that the smoking period of a joint lasts longer. As I was almost satisfied with my work of art, I stripped a filter paper off its holder and distributed the mixture reciprocally on it and delicately handed it to the expert to have his final touch. He gingerly placed the roach at one end, stuck the first side down and immediately started rolling it into a joint. The last lick on the sticky side locked the magic in and voila!: A Knee Trembler.

The sudden random surge of excitement which I have been encountering the past week is inevitable. I can safely come to the conclusion that it could possibly be the ripple effect of those nerve wrecking papers I sat for few days back which crushed my childhood dreams. Seeing how Uddin managed the roll a joint so smoothly and effortlessly was as good as having the Master of Green Perfection himself in front of my very eyes - and that got me excited. A smiled carved across my skin peeling cheeks as I instantly snatched the joint, desperately craving to feed the tobacco/weed hunger that had been kept on hold for the past 2 months or so. I rummaged through his drawers, fishing for any lighters that I could find when I felt a soft pat on my shoulders signalling me to turn around.

"Is this what you're searching for?"

Uddin had a sort of sixth sense when it came to me. In one way or another, he would always know what I was thinking at a particular time or what I was feeling when I reacted in a certain way and had an idea of my needs and will provide me just that. It seemed like if I had brain tumour and I could not think for the rest of my life, I am reassured that Uddin would be the perfect candidate to run my life on behalf of me. The decisions for my life which he would make will be reflecting mine.

A few minutes into our solemn ritual, we were head banging to the hand picked selected songs. They were good choices - a mix of ballad, rock pop and contemporary. Every now and then, our views crossed and we would unknowingly immaturely blush.

"So, what is it that you wanted to talk to me about, Jane?" his question broke the awkward silence we were having. Well, at least someone had the guts to kick off the conversation!
"Oh yes, I almost forgot..Well, it's like this. I did really bad in these papers I sat for and from the looks of it, I'm really uncertain of my Barrister dream any more"

At this point, he moved his position from the computer chair and rested himself on the bed, next to me.

"Hey, listen now. Don't worry. You gave it your best and I prayed for your success. Believe me, Jane when I say this: I've not prayed for anyone, not even myself, this hard in my entire life. So, I know Allah will help you because I've asked him to". He looked right into my eyes as he uttered those words, ensuring that I understand how serious he was in matters concerning me.

I gave a corporate smile and replied him, "Okay, Uddin. Thank you for praying for me and yes I did my best. I'm just worried that's all, you know".

He nodded his head in the attempt of securing my feelings and showing that he completely comprehends my situation, but continues gazing into my eyes, now deeper than earlier. His upper body moved closer to mine and his head stretched out as his lips raced for mine, and they met.

Do you remember your first experience of consuming cotton candy? The softness of that fluffy untainted pink cotton simply melts in your mouth, giving you a rush of sweetness and excitement ultimately ends up with you begging for more - that's exactly how I felt when I kissed him.

I couldn't - No, I didn't want it to stop. I wanted to savour that sweetness and the excitement to continue intriguing my senses until reality kicked in and Kartheek's image appeared in my mind. I pushed him away at once and turned away from him and he did the same, distraughtly shaking his head. I stood up and rested my back against the wall trying to make sense what just took place. He understood that I was not too keen to be there any more and got off the bed and headed for the door,

"Shall we?"

I was caught off guard and acted solely based on my instincts? Lust? Loneliness? Affection? Attention? Whatever it was that I acted on that day does not change what happened next. I wrapped my fingers around his left wrist and pulled his body towards mine. My hands grasped his hips to rest on mine against the wall, as I cupped his face and locked his lips with mine. His hands held my body close to his, in disbelief of my actions yet in love with it. It was addictive - his kiss , his lips, his tongue, his softness, his warmth, that untainted taste, that sweetness melting so effortlessly and unexpectedly - all of it was unbelievably addictive! I was addicted to him and I didn't want it to stop, but the scariest part was: it felt so wrong but so right.

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." William Shakespeare

Hope

"Hi babyyyy…!!"


He came running into the room with the widest, brightest smile one could ask for on a Monday night. With that warm glow, his happiness heated the cold room instantly and his dazzling eyes shining brighter than the tree-topper on Christmas morning, he scampered towards me with arms wide open, as if welcoming me to his humble abode for the very first time. Within a split second, I felt myself covered entirely with this strange fostered sensation which I somewhat cannot decipher, despite encountering on a daily basis for the past 2 years.


"I'm sorry, honey"

"What for, dear?" I asked curiously.

"For leaving you here all alone while I'm out there partying and having fun"

"Oh, you are just doing what you're supposed to do. Besides, I have work to complete after this movie ends", I assured him.

"But, still…"

"Shh…Don't worry about me. I'm happy where I am. Go, entertain your guests, have fun, and when you're done, come back and we'll sleep"

"Alright, baby. Thank you so much"


He scampered back out the room, presumably towards the living room where his friends were. A party was taking place in congregation with the soon departure of one of his housemates back to his home country, India. Though, it is quite common for women and men to have a couple of drinks and get drunk together on a night such as this, however for Asians, if I may narrow my scope towards Indians, it may seem quite awkward, especially when there is A woman and MANY men in a limited enclosed area and THAT woman is taken.


Don't be mistaken. I am not told to lock myself in the room and ignore everything that is taking place outside. On the contrary, I am encouraged to join, have drinks and spend time with the male crowd. However, I have stayed too long amongst Indians to know what is "accepted" and what is "not accepted" as part of the culture. It is said that it is not "appropriate" for a woman to be in the presence of men whom are consuming alcoholic drinks. Why? I suppose they arrived at the conclusion that men have a high possibility of violent sexual thoughts once consumed a certain amount of alcohol. And if women were present in their company during these occurences, they just might utter something uncomfortable or discriminative. I know, I know, "gender equality" and "mutual respect" are part of the issues arising in your head as you read this. It's a shame that culture and law never integrated. Probably, it's for the best. If you find yourself to still have question marks in your head, blame the Indian culture as this post is not intended to start a debate.


Continuing from where we left, this man has immense feelings for me. Feelings which I never dreamt I would feel. Feelings which I was never showered with my whole life. Feelings which I never encountered from any other being for the past 25 years living on Earth. Could this be the "long lasting enduring love" which every artist never fails to sing about in at least one song from each album produced? I wonder how can a man…If I may rephrase my question: WHY would a man love a woman endlessly without holding any grudges or unknown regrets? It would make sense to do so if she was "every mans' dream girl", if that even exist. Even if she wasn't, it would still make sense if she was responsible for everything existing in his life at the moment; from the basic needs of doing laundry to cooking or taking care of the kids to pertinent matters of life making decisions i.e. buying a car or getting involved in that specific life-time investment for future security of the children. It would make so much more sense if she was that much involved in his life, that without her, he would be an absolute wreck.


But, what if she just could not give 2 pennies about his future plans? She couldn't care less about what he wants to do and how much he intends to earn on an annual basis by the time he reaches 30 years of age, as long as he is financially stable and listens to what she says, its a green light! What if the sole focus in her mind was her career and independence i.e. financially and emotionally? And without this she does not see any further purpose of living anymore? How can a man…If I may rephrase that question again: WHY would a man love a woman so endlessly when all her intentions are focused solely on herself and her well being, whilst his needs are pure considerations? As long as he is available, in mind, soul and financially when she thinks she could be ready to start something different in her life, then and only then, would she place trivial regard to his actual existence, let alone his influence, in her life.


Not enough with the selfish side of her, especially when this woman whom is so damaged inside, not allowing to let go of the past incidences and guilt, she could just possibly be physiologically slightly insane. To make matters worst, she allowed that dark side overtake the only remaining sane part left in her, which is him, expose herself to another man in a way a woman in a 2 year relationship which she fought for, should never have. Reaching a conclusion that finally, there is nothing to hold on to in her life, consumes 20 sleeping pills with a cup of hot chocolate, in an attempt to end her senseless life. Little did she know, with her body mass, she would need at least 40 to numb her nerves. Having admitted to the sin she committed and being pardoned of it, she continues to place one foot in the grave - feeling contented being close to death. Yet, he continues to forgive her whole heartedly, trust that passion which they once had, still burns zealously and continues to believe she will become the Jane whom he fell in love with, 2 years ago - his Jane.


By now, you would have an image of a woman whom is absolutely confident on what she wants and who she wants to become yet she does not know who she currently is and where her priorities are supposed to be. So, please help me understand, why would anyone push any further involvement in such a cluttered and confused being? Is this what love is supposed to be? To persist ones' feelings towards another being so much so as to overwhelm them, with the hope of them being the person whom you think they should be, or the person whom you think they were happy being of? Is HOPE what love is?


I took a very long time to write this out. I found excuses to avoid typing this out, so much that a kindergarten child could not have come up with. But, nothing 7 pints of Tuborg and a box of Marlboro Lights can't do. Despite much substance abuse, it managed to bring me to tears at one point. The point where I came terms with what I really felt about this relationship. The point where I realised that I perceive his needs as mere "considerations". I cannot, until now, feel what I felt 2 years ago when I first met him. I do not know when I will, or if I will, feel the same or feel lesser or more. I cannot seek spiritual help, not just yet. The guilt is killing me, still. The only help I can seek now, apart from him, is counselling. I suppose the only thing I can hold on to see the greener pastures in the near future is, hope.


" We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope". Martin Luther King, Jr.

I Had A Dream

"Listen, just sit here and she will come"
"Okay, you sure about this? Cause' I really am not"
"Don't worry, there she is. She's coming. She will get into you and then you just shout rape"

I noticed a young girl dressed in a colorful outfit. It seemed as if she just left the park situated in front of us and walked under the bridge toward us. When in fact, she actually appeared from thin air. I didn't look straight at her because I was afraid of the unknown. I just felt her presence walking beside me, ending up sitting right behind me. All of a sudden, I felt this wild breeze brush my hair and a weird trance I was put in. At that moment, I knew she was inside me - I was possessed by her.

Despite all the horror movies and stories that we have watched or heard during childhood, I did not turn into a monstrous looking creature and I could still have control over my thoughts and actions. It was as if she was inside me, but I still had control over myself - she was a mere spectator to the drama that was about to take place.

There was an act between Kartheek and me - a pre-enacted rape scene. He pulled me (or should I say us?) toward him and tried to undo my buttons, as I cried for help. Along came a group of feminists, consisting of many men and women, gathered around me. I noticed one particular man in the group whom had a french beard with tanned colored skin and a huge belly. He was the poster boy of a villain character in every Indian movie.

I continued crying for help. It was quite bizarre to notice their gigantic hands and long finger nails, hold on to me, dragging me away from the scene. I could not understand what they were saying but it felt as if they were comforting me and guiding my path towards my purpose for that day.

Everything seemed quite blur for the remaining journey till I reached a war torn building, desolated for years, from the looks of it. Upon reaching it, I somehow knew what I was supposed to do. I had decided to speak, courageously, to a few men regarding a very sensitive issue which I somehow cannot seem to recall now, for the love of God.

At the start of the conversation, things were going fine. Then, hell broke loose. Upon the conclusion of the discussion, I was about to leave. By then, I somehow owned a bike to cycle with back home. However, the "guides" that took me to this desecrated place, decided to leave me idle and find my own way home. I shrieked, since I did not have a clue on how I reached this place, let alone the way back home. I chased after them, pleading to direct me home instead of leaving me alone with these men. I heard them speak certain words in Tamil (an Indian dialect) which meant that I was cheated and now I have just dug my own grave.

I continued running towards their direction, pleading louder and harder the further I ran. Despite my efforts, they slowly disappeared into thin air. At that moment, I knew I was alone - all alone with a group of men whom I have just expressed my dissatisfaction over a very sensitive issue that I am not aware of, in an abandoned building. Though, I knew that she was still inside me, it was not helpful since I seem to be running the show instead of her.

Failed in keeping my guides with me, I turned around. There were 2 men standing outside the building with more lurking from inside. Their crooked smile and bad intended looks thrown at me, urged my senses to leave that place at that very instance. I clumsily grabbed hold of my bike and headed to the road ahead. Just then, I realized that there were similar roads diverted to my  left and right. I needed directions badly and my only choices were those men.

I asked one standing nearest to me and he offered to send me home, in a while. I declined and replied that I will find my way home myself. By then, he was persisting and again, everything went blur in my sight and the next thing I know, is that I am inside the ancient building, at the highest floor, in a room with a group of men. I had already concluded a discussion by then and decided to leave. Upon leaving, they circulated me, blocking my exit. I eventually squeezed my way out the door and reached outside.

I bumped into the man whom I met from the feminists group. With other 3 fellow men, he was sitting on the concrete wall that separated us from falling 20 feet below. My heart skipped a beat and I poured out all my fear to him, expressing the need for protection. He listened quietly as he gazed upon me, his eyes screening me from top to bottom. I recognized that look from the previous men whom I saw downstairs. He then smiled to himself as he continued looking at me, and he directed towards his friends, reiterating what was said earlier.

"That's it, she's cheated. Another victim. Hahahaha"

I was back stabbed. I don't know why but I knew I had to leave the place immediately before my cervix is rummaged by 20 or so, strangely looking men, thirsting for lust. I chucked a bag which I was hanging on to, and ran towards the nearest staircase. Upon reaching it, a strong young man had beaten me at this race. I fell into his arms and struggled to get out. I put up a good fight, kicking and pushing him away, and once released, I remembered that she was still here - inside me.

She could help me! After all, I am here because of her.

Hence, knowing that she will after all be there as my last resort, I made a rash decision. The easiest and quickest way out of this mess was to jump off the building. And so, I ran towards the wall, grabbed hold of the sides and elevated myself up!

My eyes pushed wide open and I hear the white noise of the fan spinning away, cooling the room with its air. I searched frantically for a person - on my IPhone and laptop.

"Dipan!" I shouted, upon realizing that I left the Skype call on with my friend and slept off. The electronic clock showed 08:27. I finally managed to get some sleep after failing for the past 5 hours. Evidently, that 2 hour nap that should have been more than enough, left an utmost disturbing effect.

I told both Dipan and Luna Maya, whom were on the group call at that time. I tried dialing Kartheek, but as expected he was snoring away in his dream land. I managed to get Saree on the phone and told her about my dream. As I was narrating to her, I remembered that I have been having similar disturbing dreams for the past few weeks and have not been able to sleep alone - because I have never felt that I was alone.

Saree had comforting words by reminding me that my actions has led me to these continued nightmares. The series of horror movies just before bedtime, the problems that I have put myself through, also the fever that I have just caught weakens me which eventually affects my sleep. That perspective that she placed for me, made perfect sense. I suppose now I will have to reconnect with my long, lost and almost forgotten spirituality which I held close to my heart, once a upon a time. This recurring nightmares and presence of someone else around me even when I am alone, HAS TO STOP!

"Dreams are illustrations...from the book your soul is writing about you.." Marsha Norman